Walking Away

We spend so much time in our lives thinking "what's next" and the other half of our time is listening to people tell us to "live in the moment". The inconsistencies of our life, between how we are programmed to feel, think, and see things and what people say we should be feeling, thinking, or seeing things causes a rift in the human emotion. We start wondering why things dont work out the way they are supposed to. We start thinking that life is going to somehow fall apart if we create the wrong balance with the wrong people, at the wrong time

The truth is, that your life will fall apart. You will meet the wrong guy.You will blind yourself from the bad, and indulge yourself in the good. You will believe every word that comes out of his mouth because it sounds so perfect, and so right. You will invest yourself in him, do anything for him, and sometimes (most of the time) you will lose yourself in him.

So when do you come out of it all? Ill tell you one thing, its not when your friends tell you, or when your family tells you, or when people walk by you dont even know and tell you. You'll drag it out, its inevitable, call it lack in self-dignity, or lack in self-preservation. Maybe you stay with him for companionship, and maybe that companionship turns into love, but sometimes its just enough to hold yourself together. When you are with someone that you need to hold you together, that is when you really fall apart.

I cant explain the pit in my stomach, constantly, never going away. The million thoughts running through my head. Wanting so bad to just move forward, but so stuck in standing still. I lied in his arms and felt nothing but fear, fear of leaving them, fear of falling apart without him. Your realism is what saves you. Because when love is blind, reality hits you even harder. The memories are the worst, because they remind you what you gave up. Although you are no longer blind the memories are blindy imprinted. That happiness was real, as real as it could have been.

Sorry, is the last words Ill say to him. Sorry that we couldnt make this work, Sorry I couldnt be who you needed me to be. Sorry that this reality has hit us so harshly. With the most effort I have ever had to gather I moved slowly out the door, looking back only to remember that this was the last time I would ever feel welcome in that place.

As I closed the door to his house, I literally closed the door on everything we were, and with tears running down my cheeks the lonliness already consumed me.

The more I think about it, the more I think that I have been lonely for a very long time. Even when he laid next to me, even when he kissed me, even when he held me; I felt alone.

So I move forward, slowly and still with greif but I know that this will pass, and

I will remember that everything has to fall apart, before it can even begin to fall together.

I never understood why people wrote songs about break ups...until now

So you turn on the radio and your favorite song is on. 

You jam out to a couple of verses before you realize that its a song about true loathing and hate, 

about confusion and misunderstanding, about fear and loneliness. 

"But wait, its so catchy! I love this song" 

you say to yourself. Eventually you listen to the whole song and you want to cry by the end.

Why Taylor Swift? Why do you do these things to me?! 

My teardrops fall on my cheap knitted sweater, and the white horse is a beat up 1985 audi, 

but your songs? They speak to me!

Its like the stages of grief. 

If only every breakup could be resolved in a three hour therapy sesh with T. Swift.

Stage One: Denial. 

The story of us is that we were never going to work, but I still want to look at you across the room and pretend like you actually gave a shit about me at one point. But its just crazy and I should've said no to begin with

Stage 2: Anger. 

Unresolved fights, passive aggressive actions, why did I waste all my time on you? Honestly though? Your picture? I just want to dump them all in a bonfire, 

after cutting myself out of course because that there's a cute picture of me! 

But damnit! 

I should have known better! 'I knew you were trouble when you walked in' and its winter so I don't want to fall on the ground because its really cold. 

Good thing I have my snuggie so I can wrap myself up to prepare for my next stage of grief.

Stage 3: Bargaining.

 Just take me back to December, so i can see your family (who incidentally I actually liked more than I liked you.) I realized I loved you in the fall, and somehow fell out of love with you by December, 

but hey! here I am, I am swallowing my pride, 

see me one more time, this can work, I promise, you belong with me...Ok, putting my phone in the other room now, because I miss your texting and my fingers have a mind of their own.

Stage 4:Depression. 

Ok so now that my tear soaked hoodie is filled with the result of months of relationship effort 

I am going to pretend that the 3 glasses of wine actually eased my pain. 

I don't know what to be without you around, 'you're the only thing I know like the back of my hand'. Trying to breathe hurts more through the sobbing. 'Losing you is blue, like I've never known; missing you is dark gray all alone'

Stage 5:Acceptance. 

The bright end of the rainbow comes when you realize that he was never good enough for you 

I'm putting on these high heels on because I want to damnit! 

I am going to blast this song on the radio because you're not sitting beside me. I met someone, he got to the restaurant early, and I might be a little shy, but I am ready, to begin again. The next one is going to make a rebel of my fathers careful daughter. 

And lets face it, 'we are never getting back together...like, ever.'

I take out the CD feeling empowered, Like all of the hurtful things he said to me had been swallowed up by music, like his "I love you"'s never existed. I step out and I feel the weight of the world off of my chest and land at my feet. I step up as I rise above the burden, and I smile at what is truly existent. 

I sigh, I breathe out the negativity, I see happiness and hope and most of all, a fresh start.