An Affair with Perception

I don't think we ever stop having a quarter life crisis.

Imagine a time in your life where you felt like everything was perfect.  You were happy in your relationships, 100%. You were happy at work, successful and respected. You were happy with yourself, in love with who you are. If you're between the ages of 21 and 29 I would say these moments are few and far between.

From my experience there is a disconnect in these years. A learning curve. We start taking the people our parents raised us to be and we are given the free will to roam free with it. To discover our lives amidst a string of unrealistic expectations and dreams that seem so far out of reach. Those who see these obstacles as a wall rather than a tunnel are doing themselves a terrible disservice.

You will never get it right,  if you don't do it wrong the first time.

I am 25 years old and at the center of this pie of flirtations. A flirtation with success, with a lucrative career, with the cute boy from the coffee shop, and with the person I wake up and see every morning in the mirror. I used to avoid eye contact with the compilation of intricate and vulnerable ingredients in my life because I was afraid of rejection,  afraid of failing,  and afraid of missing an opportunity.

We are all guilty of it.
When was the last time you saw someone you thought was attractive and walked up to say hello?
We avoid confrontation for fear of disingenuous sentiment or nonchalance. 
When was the last time you opened yourself up and flirted with the idea of taking a risk in your career to make you successful? 
We thrive in the comfort of our own realities to bypass anything associated with failure or becoming an enigma of incompetence. 
When was the last time you looked in the mirror, and saw not only with your eyes but with your mind, the soul and beauty in the person staring back at you?
We pick apart our flaws to mask the feeling of being content in who we are.  Taught by society that we will never be good enough.  We lust after perfection to deflect a state of settlement, leading to the false belief that being wrapped up in ourselves is any sort of imprisonment by our own minds.

We stand slaves to the affair we have everyday with perception.

The most powerful perceptions are a result of the idea that humanity transcends from one idealistic formula. That there is a standard that we as humans are required to meet. A standard so socially reflective that influence alone, rather individuality and uniqueness, is the denominator.

What if, one day, we all just decided that we were going to stop perceiving our lives to be a certain way?
If we stopped being ruled by the dominance of worldly perceptions and cherish our own personal gravity.  What if we stood with our feet planted firmly on the ground and developed our character and personality to integrate in and within each other, rather than conform to those around us?

Imagine how different our affair would be. Imagine how innocent the flirtations would become.  Imagine the true impact we could make on these years so significant to our future.

I am 25 years old, and I am having an affair.

*An affair with my success. 

*An affair with my confidence.

*An affair with myself.

Globe of Ambition in a World of Reality

I've been thinking about life and the gravity that surrounds it more and more lately. The ambition which, seemingly supressed, is re-surfacing rapidly. This globe of opportunity and my role in its reality.

Living in a world so focused on points of reality that are designated to faint hearts and narrow minds. Logic so strictly conceived by the fearful. How do you escape? How do you fight the struggle of this financial independence that threatens the wild mind to remain comfortable in being content? Dreams are dreams. The questions are only as difficult as you choose to perceive.

You see, influence is powerful. Whether that influence is a person, a place, or a circumstance. So unavoidable, forced upon us with such great insistency. We don't side step it, we can't duck to miss it, we walk right into it and keep hoping silently that it won't swallow us whole. Inspiration found in the darkest of places is still, at times, not enough to pull us from the hole in which comfort takes the reign over us.

The hole, dug deeper by our attempts to climb out, is significant of the complications which placed us there to begin with. And as that person,  or that place,  or that circumstance stands so defiantly above us we become smaller, we sink into the reality that hurts us the least.

I can't say that I was never small. In fact, I was tiny. But somehow, by grace and faith in something larger and more powerful than my own determination  brought me to this moment,  to these nights of inspiration where I feel ambition overpowering me and the idea behind discovery outpouring from the veins which keep me alive.

There's no obstacle in this world that isn't centered around this idea of familiarity. A struggle so fierce that our innate fear of loneliness, were we to attempt an escape, swallows passion and spontaneity.

But one day we wake up from our field of dreams, which in the past have haunted us, and we change our perception of reality.  The frame in which our mind integrates loneliness and fear to correlate with incapability is eliminated.  For a split second you think of turning back but the light shining ahead is warmer, and full of the possibility only blinded by our past interpretation.

Suddenly, the globe is our world. We live our days driven by the reality that pipe dreams are no longer unattainable.  We stop running from our mistakes and start running towards our success.  The dreams that seemed so far are now but within an arms reach. Outstretched,  our determination allows us to persevere through the pain of that which so violently held us back.

Because we don't see positivity as a thought within a moment,  but rather, our strength. We don't see negativity as our enemy but rather, a worthy opponent.  Pushing through without a doubt in our, now widespread, imagination that the peak is never reached. Our ability to carry on a life of always learning and experiencing is a drug.

We reach out and every day capture a new discovery within that which surrounds us.

We wait, patiently.
We hope, loudly.
We dream, and yet we never fall asleep.

I'm taking charge of my life, is that alright?

I am the owner of my life.
I am the chaser of my dreams.
I am the glue of my own ambition.
I am the keeper of my future
I am the owner of my life.

Passion.
Intense, Primal, Forceful.
A cloud to cover vision.
A beautiful storm.
Passionate rain, touching my lips.
Demanding emotion.
Passionate passion.

Empowerment.
True,  uninhibited,  selfish as it is.
Empowerment
True, power.

Cleansing.
Mind, Body, and Soul.
I wash away the complications.
Cleaner than ever before.
I give myself permission to start fresh

Reason.
Logical, Factual, and Bountiful.
A channel of hope renewed.
A channel of guilt erased.
Reasonable reason.

A future bright.
A past forgotten.
A present perspective.

Mind forward,
Back unturned.
Forward I move.
There's no looking back.

Waiting, Hoping, Wishing

Why do things end? Why do people leave? What's the point of falling in love when all it ever does is end in hurt? 

I would hate him so much more if I didn't love him so much.

Our story is so much like history, over before we even knew it began.

Missing is a part of life. Whether you are missing some one, some thing,  some emotion, some feeling, some thought, or some memory. You miss chances and opportunities, meanings and theories, lessons and triumphs. Moments pass in an instant and then are left behind regretted by those who never took the opportunity to revel in them, and missed by those who so intensely cherished them.

Life is a series of MIStakes and MISunderstandings

The memories you left behind haunt me as if the light was never there. Moments so vivid to me, that they couldn't have been made up. Yet the light, the passion, the feeling held so carefully and faultless was my own MISrepresentation. Your hand, although extended,  never grasped. Your heart although so seemingly strong, was weak. Your life, so unsure and inconsistent,  formed a lie which you told me over and over again.

So why do I miss these moments?  Why can't the memory of you end with your disappearance?

Why do I continue to be driven by hope, when all my heart can truly do is fear.

Humanity is messy, it's complex in nature. Resisting fear is not for the faint of heart, and hope is for the foolish.  But if I wait, I hope, and I wish then I give myself the opportunity to live. Hope out-stands fear. Love overrules hate.
And missing someone is a whole lot better than never knowing them at all.

Letting go means remembering these things. It's that separation and distinguish between those who wait, and those who hope. I have waited for you forever,  each day crushing my hope more and more. So I let go of the burden connected to the wait, and I allow hope to invade. I give myself the permission to wish for your happiness and to wish for your success. While reminding myself that these are my dreams as well.

Broken things cannot be fixed through someone else's heart. No matter how much I cared my heart was never the glue you needed. The glue came from within. The strength as your guide. And a new day as your opportunity.

So I will miss you, as the moments replay in my mind; but as this ending was inevitable, our fates are full of promise.

So...

As I waited--
so will you, 

As I hope--
you will too, 

As I wish--
you will find the light you need.

Pain at the Hand of Beauty

How do you see yourself? 

When you wake up fresh from a dream and carry yourself to the mirror in the morning, who do you see? 

I know we all wish we could wake up powdered faces, sin circles under the eyes, hair combed. Who do I see? See I am the type of person who looks like someone beats her up in her sleep. I am not kidding either, ask my friends, somehow, my hair manages to literally stick in every single direction when I wake up in the morning. Usually the dark circles are mixed with some makeup that didn't come off in the wash the night before, skin looks clean but blotchy. What if we woke up in the morning and started our day believing that fresh awoken, sleepy face that slowly awakening body, was beautiful?

How different would our day be if we saw perfection in the imperfections of an image so pure, and so fresh, and so untouched as the image we see first thing in the morning. Can you imagine where each step in getting ready would take us? And more than that can you imagine the confidence we would inevitably carry ourselves with were we to begin our day with a simple thought?

I am beautiful.

I know more than most how it feels to want to change everything about yourself. I've always been the taller one, the bigger one, the different one. I never allowed myself to hear the words that described the beauty I felt like I possessed. The words that invested themselves in me as confidence took a long time to develop into something that was cognizant to my everyday being.

I know that I have a long way to go, but look at how far I've come. 

Unless you see beauty within yourself, no one will ever see that beauty. Unless you commit to the likelihood that your confidence will carry you, you will continue to hide behind the aspects in your life you feel define you. Unless you choose to let your own words, your own thoughts, your own beliefs, and your own actions be the direct representation and the ultimate definition of your being? You are not going to be free from the binds that will continue to hold you back.

So how did I build this confidence? I began by taking out judgment, criticism, and the absolute insane idea of perfection and more than that, what society teaches us is perfection. 

I looked at myself and I forced myself to be inspired by the person staring back at me.

I looked at my love handles as something to love, and my smile as something to cherish, 

I looked at my eyes as a token of peace and my height and strength as a sign of perseverance.

 I looked at the softness of my features as a channel of youth and innocence, 

my hands as a channel of motivation. 

I saw my mouth as a channel of dedication, and my heart as a channel of hope. 

I saw a potential in each imperfection as an intimate relationship with progression towards becoming a better person. I don't look at my weight as an obstacle anymore, but rather an opportunity. To find an abstract idea in which I can thrive in, a future I can work for, health which I can live vivaciously through.

I stand upon this box, which I have built despite hardships. I watch the threatening hands of the world attempt to break me. And sometimes I fall, I look at my knees, and the skin which holds me together? Broken. 

Pain by the hand of Beauty. 

I retrieve my composure by reassurance, and step up again with a weary soul. Waiting for the next judgment, the next whisper, the next stare. I refuse to be enslaved by the ideas meant to tear me down. I look up, into that morning bathroom mirror, and I tell myself; 

You have a beautiful body. You have a beautiful soul. 

Your confidence can change the world.

Out with the old, In with the new

New Year, New You.

 

We all have those years. You know the years that feel as though they couldn't come to an end fast enough. The years that you anticipate January 1st as if it day by day time is moving slower and slower. That, was my year.

 

So why reflect? Why make the decision to turn your life around because of a few hours, and few days, a moment?

 

There is something about the societal demands of the holiday. There is something very special about our opportunity to create the possibility of new and improved goals, plans, and approaches. We spend so much time on the fast pace taking in our daily lives on a big picture. We don't pick apart the situations to develop an insight for ourselves on how the situations became so complicated, or how we became so bitter in the process.The reflection process is our ability to key into those areas. Find the points in time where positive thinking and zen could have completely sent the situation in a different direction.

 

I am not one to bathe in regret or even allow myself to be consumed by it on a small scale. However I think there is a positivity to allowing ourselves to realize regret and learn from it.

 

I look at all of my experiences from the last year with a hardened heart. I believe that these experiences truly had the ability to break me. The unforgivable actions of others towards me, the disrespect, the incoherency of feelings that lead to an ultimate demise. I see the periods of time where I shut down completely staring into space without a thought in my head, and pain consuming me from every angle.

 

There is always positivity in pain.

 

Heading into the new year I felt a strong pull towards preparing myself with a helmet as I hit the wall of another year gone, and as I ran full speed into the wall separating, I left my bags of uncherished relationships, regretful actions, and painful memories on a side to which I cannot retrieve them.

 

Knocking down the wall the pain was welcomed as I entered the new year letting go of the love that nearly broke me, the words that brought me so much pain, and the anxiety caused by uncertainty, and I looked forward to the possibility of regaining my control, reinventing my strength, and finding myself.   

 

So New Year, New Me? Yeah, I would like to think so. But I challenge you this much. Make your resolutions and stick to them. But on the off chance that you find more possibility in the day, resolve to making yourself better every single day.

 

Happy 2014!!

Control, Comfort, and Possibility

We spend our lives wishing for that perfect man to come along. We build a fantasy in our minds consistent with the idea of beginning a family by the age of 23 like our mother did. Now, that big house in the country with a baby swing out front and a wrap around porch almost haunts our dreams as we wake up alone with a cold side to the bed. By the time we are 25 we find ourselves sleeping in the middle of the bed to forget that two sides exist and pillows pile on to fill the empty spaces. 

Our minds are like our beds, by the time you get played a few times, dumped by the guy you thought was "the one", fall in love with someone who would never love you back, or lose yourself in someone who wasn't willing to find you, we begin to fill the spaces in our minds and in our hearts where emptiness resides. We fill these corners of our minds with thoughts about how these guys were jerks and we allow our hearts to play on that, inadvertently we choose to allow these thoughts to rule our day to day lives. 

Although this is not the same for everyone, maybe I am more of a feminist than I let on, but life is about having control. I don't know a single successful woman that doesn't need to have control over everything in her life. We think that control comes down to a few specifics. We are taught that if we thrive on our career, our relationships, and our physical image than we must have control over our lives.

The truth is, that we only have control over our destiny to a certain extent, and if we program ourselves to take responsibility for the things in our lives that we have control over, we will be successful. However, sometimes the absence of control, and the relinquishing of the stress that coincides with attempting to seize this control is what truly allows us happiness in our success'. 

Think about it. When was the last time you didn't feel at least a little bit bad about your life when you saw yet another picture of a happy couple on Facebook? When we let go of the idea that we have control over when and who we fall in love with, then that twinge of guilt, or sadness, or insufficiency, would cease to exist. We would look at another picture and in our mind we would look to the other side of the bed with hope and excitement.

I am by no means making a statement against those who marry young, who find the love of their life in high school and live happily ever after. It doesn't make either of us better or worse for living our lives the way we have chosen to. It's all just very different, and diversity is in no sense any reason for animosity. When we allow ourselves to see the happiness in other peoples individualized success' {whatever they may be} we can begin to see the same in our own.

So,

Seek responsibility and

Relinquish the uncontrollable 

Live your life on your own terms 

And most importantly: 

Thrive in possibility, rather than seek comfort in certainty.