Take the Next Step

There are times that we dwell in, these times that are meant to consume us. There are also times where we thrive, and that deliver us from the pain of the times that consume us. There are times of passion and realization, but also times of disenchantment and confusion. It's been about 4 months since I have written anything. Call it whatever you want, writers block, mental pneumonia, or a rut. 

All I know is that these last few months have been a whirlwind mixed in these times. Clarity has yet to present itself. Although I can feel myself moving towards some sort of answer. Going through the motions doesn't cut it anymore. I ache for something more, something real to me. 

So it got me to thinking, why do we, as humans, risk so much of ourselves doing things we don't find happiness in? If we truly understand ourselves, why do we feel the need to constantly gravitate away from ourselves daily? 

Is it comfort and familiarity? Or, is it fear? 

From what I have learned? It's a little bit of both. 

I don't think we ever fully comprehend who we are, and there is a lot of beauty in that. Because we are constantly learning who we are, we have this innate ability to keep surprising ourselves. We have this fantastic opportunity to transform ourselves everyday. However, when it becomes difficult for you to progress that transformation, or the obstacles seem to hold you back, that's when you know that something has to change. 

I grew up in a world where you did not give up. Quitting was never an option. You pushed until you succeeded. But one thing wrong with that methodology is what happens when we reach that success? Just because you are successful at something, doesn't mean that it is what you are supposed to live your life by. Success creates this false sense of security. It is why failures are so important too. 

I look at my life now, and the things I am really passionate about. 

Writing, Fitness, Nutrition, Hospitality, People 

Of the things I have mentioned, I am not afraid to admit that I have failed, time and time again. I still fail to this day at some of them. But, the combination of these things, along with the other smaller pieces of my reality make up who I am. And, at the end of the day, my heart truly gravitates towards a life where I can hold each of these pieces close to me everyday, and not feel like they are a million miles away. 

Living on Sunday night anxiety because tomorrow is Monday and work calls, is no way to live your life. It is not the way that I will continue to choose to live my life. The things we are passionate about, these large and small pieces of our reality that connect us to our true identity? These are the pieces of our life that we will truly be successful in, if we give ourselves the chance to pursue them. 

This is why, tonight I make a promise to myself, and you should as well. To stop letting success be a crutch to stay in a position you are not happy in. To stop letting our fear and relinquishment of ourselves to familiarity be the obstacles that keeps us from pursuing our dreams. And to, everyday, move towards the life we know will bring us happiness, and away from the life that only holds the straps to the straight-jacket we allow to strangle us.

Lower your Expectations, Raise your Standards

Everyone is in your life for a reason. That is what they say, right? It's an interesting concept.

We are on this constant journey to understand ourselves. To think outside the box. To understand the choices we make, to understand the things that have happened to us, and to understand why God put that one person in our life that made us forget who we were.

I am not saying I have it all figured out, I certainly do not. Hell, I don't know if I even have it partially figured out. I have bad days, just like everyone. I have days where the pressure becomes too much and I break into a pool of frustrated tears. But I also have good days. I have days where the weight of the world seems to give me some relief. Often times, in that relief I find revelation and understanding. It is important to me to take note of the realizations I make, so as to not forget that I am moving.

What is more interesting to me than the concept that everyone is in our lives for a reason is the fact that one person, as insignificant as they may seem to the outside world, could be the one person that makes you fall apart and come back together all at the same point simply by coming into your life at the right time. And, how that person can do all of this for you, but still not be the one. Confused yet? Let me explain.

The last two years have been hard. And towards the end of last year, months of sedated understandings came to a head and (pardon my french) shit hit the fan. Shit hit the fan so hard that I didn't know if I would ever be able to trust myself ever again, much less trust anyone else. So coming into this year, I had a plan. This year, is MY year.

Well as if "like clockwork" wasn't already my motto, someone came into my life that just had to have my attention, and although I resisted, I eventually gave in, and for as messy as it got, and for as terrible as it was, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. This person will probably never read this, but if they do, I hope they know that they don't deserve me, not because I am better than them now, but because I want to be a better person for the future. I hope they know that they did impact me, and it might have been in the most significant way possible. I hope they know that they did disappoint me, that they could have been so much more, but they should also be disappointed that they couldn't be that.

This is not a perfect formula. But, I do think it is about timing. And I don't think this person was ever meant to be in my life for long. I think they were here for a moment. They were meant to be a tool for me to learn by, not a tool for me to live by. I don't want it to seem like I am heartbroken, I certainly am not. But I think it is important to note that I wouldn't be who I am now without this person, and the insensitivity he always seemed to approach me with.

That's right, I am not who I am because he treated me well. If anything he forced me to look at who I was, and create a progressive identity crisis for myself.

*He told me I didn't know who I was, and in that, I realized I did. I realized I wasn't the person I was   trying to convince the world I was. I was much different.  
*He treated me like I didn't mean a thing, and in that, I realized I meant a whole hell of a lot.

I began focusing on fitness and nutrition, and I have seen things in a brand new light. My head is clearer than its ever been. I would have never re-prioritized had it not been for him. My clear head has me in this weird fog of clarity, an irony in itself.

What parts of the person that I have been telling the world I am, still apply?
Which parts of me have I suppressed out of fear?
What parts have I hidden as a result of pain?

I am swimming in constant questioning about my true identity, and how to be that person again. But, in a lot of ways, despite this identity crisis, my life makes sense again.

I want to be fixed, doesn't everyone? I have come to terms with disappointment. I have let it sit on my couch, as opposed to being snug into my head. I have questioned it, I have befriended it, and I have belittled it. It is so easy to let disappointment take over, and to lower your expectations of yourself, your life, and the people around you.  And maybe to some degree that is necessary, but there is a fine line between lowering your expectations and lowering your standards.

So, here is the point. Everyone is in your life for a reason. And, if they don't stay in your life, the reason is a matter of reflection. Be disappointed, adjust your expectations. Be upset, but don't lower your standards.

But clarity comes in waves. It's supposedly what keeps life interesting. Right now, I find comfort in my journey both physically and mentally. Remembering that my demons will never be stronger than my will to overcome them.

The truth about being "fat"...from a girl who has always been considered it

Stick to what you know. 

I think I have always approached my writing this way. But constantly sticking to things that didn't put me too far out there. Things that didn't show too much of me.

Stick to what you know. 

I finally get it. You aren't supposed to stick to the things that are easy, or the things that feel good to write about. You're supposed to write about the hard stuff.
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If there is one thing I know. It's being curvy.

When I was younger, it defined me. Not that I meant for it to, but when girls on the playground are laughing at you because you have a belly, or telling you that you aren't pretty because your larger than them. It inevitably defines you. I grew up around a constant string of questions.

Why her? Why is she the one bullied?
Why her? Why does she have the health issues?
Why her?

There were years at a time that I remember thinking I was so big, and looking back? I just don't see it. But I was always considered it.

There came a time in my life where I just gave up. I decided that this was who I was, and I did what I could with what I had. Yeah, I mean I did what I could with my body. But more so, I did what I could with my brain, with my quick wit, and with my perseverance. The truth is, growing up fat didn't enable me to be lazy, or to be unmotivated. It caused me to be self conscious, yes. It caused me to be insecure? Of course.

But it never stopped me from doing anything.

Now, I am 27 years old, and there are probably still people who would consider me "fat". And that is okay.  The interesting thing is, that when I get up in the morning, and I leave the house, I see so much more than my body in the mirror. I see a story.

My body tells a story, and it's not one that most people will take the time to get to know.

They'll never know that I see my love handles as something to love, and my smile as something to cherish. They'll never look deeper to see that my eyes are a token of peace, and my height and strength as a sign of perseverance. I will continue to see the softness of my features and imagine the youth I still carry with me, I'll look down at my hands and remember my motivation. More than that though, most people will never know the dedication represented in my mouth, or the hope I hold in my heart.

In some ways, the hardest part of being "fat" isn't even the side glances or hateful words. The hardest part is acceptance. It is accepting your story, knowing that no one can change it. Most importantly though, and something I just recently became aware of, was loving that acceptance, but not allowing yourself to find comfort in it.

So as I have begun my journey towards a healthier lifestyle, I don't wish to "lose weight" or "erase my canvas and start new". No, I don't feel bitterness towards my body in the way that it curves, those curves are a formation of my life, hardships and all.

I am on a journey, but I am transforming more than just my body. I am adjusting my expectations everyday. I am transforming my perception of acceptance. At the end of the day, the story my body tells will have a past, but much like in life, I realize it can also have a future. And I can do it for me.

It is possible to love your body as fat. And its possible to love it as fit. It is your story.
It transforms in all the ways you see it, not how the outside world does.

What story does your body tell?

Weight off my Shoulders

Or weight on my shoulders, depending how you look at it. For those of you who have never read my work before, my name is Chelsea. I got into writing at a young age, but didn't discover my joy in it until much later in life.

So often I find my writing on my blog surrounding the same things.

We are all, constantly, throughout our life, trying to figure out who the hell we are. Some days are better than others, am I right? Some days we know who we are and where we are going, and some days we just look around wondering how the hell we ended up so lost and confused. So this blog has always been about my journey, generalized.

This year I made the decision that I had things I wanted to change in my life. I knew it wouldn't be easy. Hell, I didn't even know if it was possible. I mean I have been doing the same thing for years now, and coming out with the same results -- which is the definition of insanity right? I have refused to believe that I had any control over things in my life, and the situations that I find myself in. Because, if I admitted that, then I would have to admit that I was not doing everything I could to be happy. But this year, I finally admitted it to myself, and have taken steps towards change.

It is easy to tell someone what it means to be a changed person, but its much different when you are the person doing the changing to understand what it means for you, individually to be changed. Everyone evolves in different ways, the pressure they are placed under transforms them into different gems. We all move at different paces, and are motivated in different forms. This is what makes us all so unique. This is what makes us all capable of our own form of greatness.

I can tell you right now that there are a lot of things I am realizing about how I have subconsciously dealt with situations both past and present, but that is a story for another time, and not the reason I am here.

My point with this post is that as I was talking to a friend the other day, I had mentioned it had been a while since I had written. Being a writer herself, she took interest in the reasons I hadn't. My response was simply that I felt I wasn't in a place to make advice to someone about how to reach their goals, or how to be who they were, or how to evolve; if I, myself, didn't have it figured out.

She gave me the best advice.

You're not supposed to write about the destination, you're supposed to write about the journey. With that, I realized that even if I wasn't where I wanted to be, I still had a story to tell, I still had lessons to share, and I still had a voice to be heard.

With that, I hereby commit to never forgetting that we are all just trying to tell our story, one way or another. And the way I express mine, may be different than the way you express yours. My story is more than just the fire in my eyes when I feel passionate about something or someone. It is more than passing glances, and meaningless phrases. My story is in the way I move about life, carefully calculating every move, hidden spontaneity buried deep inside. My story is told by my actions, it is told by my words, it is told by my hardened exterior softened only by my fingers gently tapping a keyboard.

My story will be heard. Maybe it will be passed down. 

Maybe it will be told in deep conversations with the people I love. 

Maybe it will be interpreted from words sprawled out on a screen. 

Maybe it will be told in narratives around a Family Christmas that I have long since attended.

How will you tell yours?

5 Things we should all let go of in 2016

I think its a pretty consistent pattern that I write a blog every year analyzing over and over again what the past year meant to me, what I hated about it, how things were going to be different. Using poetry to somehow mask my feeling of disappointment going into the end of the year. 

This year, I am done with all that flowery crap. This year, I have no problem outright saying that this year was hard. I have no problem outwardly recognizing that it's been a minute since I have felt really good going into the New Year. This year, I know that I am mad. I am mad that I am going into another December 31st with bitterness about the places I have been and the experiences I have seen. So I think it is safe to say that among a laundry list of resolutions my biggest goal for next year is to be happy. 

So, how do you get happy? Well, I am sure everyone has their own ideas. Wine? Chocolate? Gym Time? For me, it is about finally LETTING GO of all the bullshit holding me back. For me, it is about being happy for me, and not for anyone else. For me, it is about finally doing the things I said I would always do but time dwindled and became scarce due to distractions. Letting go is one of those things I have NEVER been good at. But this year, it's time. 

1) Letting go of Past Relationships

   This is probably my number one. And, really, it should be on the top of most peoples list, especially if for the last two years, like me, you have promised to delete his number, or unfriend him on Facebook or block him from your life. Especially if he still haunts your dreams and ruins your day. This year I learned what it meant to be in a dark relationship. Literally, it was one of those situations you wouldn't wish on your worst enemies. A relationship that consumes you in all of the worst ways. I learned what it meant to be swallowed by manipulation, and what it meant to be lied to; ultimately to the point of betrayal. 

   So, no. I am not just going to let go of my past relationships next year, but why not take it a step further. 6 month detox. Your time is worth more than that loser who used you for a year who made promises he never kept, who spoke sweet enough to pull you in but never took the time to be with you. Use your time wisely, detox the distractions, from where I am standing, that could be the biggest difference. 

2) Letting go of idealistic realities:

   I thought I would be out of personal debt by 26. Nope, that was wrong. Life throws you to the wolves every chance it gets. And man, it sucks. Life makes you feel like you are on the right track and then it throws an ocean in between you and your goals. I had a plan, I was making plans, my plans are now just words on a paper. In the last year I refused to improvise which sent me down a spiral of never ending questions and vague answers. So this year? Why don't we just throw the plans out? Goals. That is the only part of our plan that ever works long term. 

   My idealistic reality includes everything that I can't really control. My idealistic reality is an enigma of perfection that will never, and can never, be reached. Because the ocean will always be there, we will always get tired, we will never be able to anticipate the curve balls life throws at us. When we start being realists, we will start to understand that optimism can still rule our choices, and dreams can still be a part of our goals, but we will be able to more gracefully handle the twists and turns of the currents rather than letting them drown us. 

3) Letting go of negativity

   Power of positive thinking. Everyone in my life has been saying these words to me for the last year. Trying to remind me that darkness doesn't last if I start seeing the glass half full. I couldn't do it. Physically, I couldn't. This past year, I couldn't help myself, and part of helping myself would have included accepting others help. I struggle everyday with trying to control my world. But what happens when that grasp you thought you had, slips through your fingers and you have turned down anyone who might be able to hold it for you in the meantime?

   This year, part of letting go of negativity, is letting go of the crazy idea that I can control my world. This year, I will ask for help, and accept it when offered. This year I will put my trust in the people who have proven that they deserve it, rather than those who feel like they deserve it. 

4) Letting go of the people who took advantage:

   When you are a giving soul, who constantly wants others to be happy, you tend to be blinded by those who are taking advantage of you. I have experienced this first hand, and before you say that it's because I have been naive or I haven't wanted to see what was right in front of me, the idea of being blind to the reality of a situation is much more real than just plain ignorance. People take advantage, its just a fact. And those who take advantage take it without a second thought, without an ounce of guilt. It is not naive to be giving, or to want to help others, but when you give it to the wrong people there is a certain immaturity and ignorance to believing that they are the wrong people.

   This year I will help others who need it, rather than help those who feel like they are entitled to it. Give what you can to those who graciously accept your help and stop feeling constantly constricted to feeling like you never want to extend a hand ever again.

5) Letting go of my timeline:

   I was making plans, I have been making plans since the day I realized that I had the power to do whatever I wanted to do, and go wherever I wanted to go. I had my 5 year plan, which turned into my 10 year plan. But I never saw that critical path. I never saw what could go wrong, I didn't plan for things to go wrong. So what happened this year. When things kept going wrong, I lost sight of that 5/10 year plan. In retrospect, losing sight of that plan was the best thing that could have happened to me. It reminded me to live in the moment and experience everything for what it was, not for what it could be.

   This year I will let go of timelines, and remember that everything happens in God's time. I will stop setting deadlines for myself. I will let my life happen organically. I will stop forcing things to happen, I will stop expecting them to be perfect, I will stop being disappointed when things don't go the way I planned. This year, I will live in the moment, this year, I will live.

There is probably so much more I could say. This year? It is MY year, it is YOUR year. Set your sights on what will truly make you happy, don't ignore the things that don't, and cut them out where necessary. Don't wait for things to fall apart, end them before they do. You are given this life to make it a reflection of you. Don't let ANYONE stand in your way.

Its silly to set expectations for yourself in the new year that are completely unobtainable. Be realistic, Be motivated. And if you're not, figure out why and 

LET IT GO

Anniversary for Opportunity

We look at anniversaries as a time to celebrate. A time to relive the joy of the anniversary we are celebrating whether it be with a job, a relationship, sobriety, a big move, or a significant change in our lives. We remember the challenges, the success', the failures, and the joy we experienced in the time. One thing that is never spoken about is when we reach the anniversary milestone of a terrible experience we had. The anniversary of the death of a loved one or a traumatic experience. It's inevitable, that at some point in our lives we will be faced with this anniversary. 

One to celebrate? Maybe not so much. 

One to reminisce upon? Definitely not. 

But it still gives us the opportunity to analyze our lives in a way that we may be so averse to doing in our daily lives as we continue to move forward. An anniversary to look at the change in ourselves, and in the world around us. It is an anniversary that allows us to continue to move on, but to never forget the circumstances which allowed us to do so. 

Today, I mark a timed removal of myself from an experience that traumatized me in more ways than one. I actively remember the fear, the disappointment, and the terror of such a situation. I don't celebrate the experience, but rather, I celebrate who I have become in spite of it. Today, although not a day of celebration for me, is a moment for me reflect on the ups and downs of a year spent in dramatic reformation, a year spent in desperate metamorphosis. 

I take a lot of pride in myself, and in the life I still continue to build for myself. I take pride in my carefree attitude about life, and in my innate ability to allow the aspects of the world to change me. Whether those aspects are purely circumstantial, or a drive for approval from those I hold close. A pride that was taken away from me when the decisions that I made forced me to realize that I had taken to the passenger seat of my own life for a very long time. I had allowed my desire for spontaneity, my desperate need for approval from all the wrong people, and my all too real hesitation for transformation to become the reality, as opposed to the exception.

As I prepared for my anniversary, I placed myself in that same mindset I worry that I will find comfort in it, rather than misery. I choose, for however short of a period, to allow the ignorance that allowed me to fall in the first place, to consume me while I allow my life, the life that I have built for myself now, to continue passing through me out of habit as opposed to progression. 

I write this now from a small place that I found within myself that allowed me to make the decision to not just exist, but to exist better, to become less of an enigma not only to myself but to those who have allowed for my transformation to take place. It's true, that when you first come out of a traumatic experience you go into survival mode. The only thing that you have the capacity to believe, and the energy to progress is to take the steps away from the situation, make better decisions, and hope for a level of recognition within yourself to become evident enough to latch onto so that someday you will thrive.

It took a lot for me to get to the state of existence I find myself in today. It took trust in God, trust in the people trying to help me, and trust in myself that I could move forward and out of my own personally created darkness. It took writing down, and visualizing what I had learned as to not regress. It took me accepting positive energy into my life, and ridding my life of the toxins that blocked my ability to operate at a high frequency. It took me owning my mistake, and making the choice to move forward.

And what has that brought me to? Well, not a state of perfection, I can tell you that much. There are still factors of uncertainty that rule my life. But I make the conscious effort everyday to find opportunity in that uncertainty rather than allowing it to paralyze me. I stabilize my energy by engaging with the world around me, rather than just observing it. I avoid toxic situations and relationships. I build on my affair with myself by committing to being a stronger, more fit, less worrisome version of myself. I fill my time with writing, exploring, interpreting, and creating positive circumstances.

We will never know the joy of perfection, perhaps a state of being that is uniquely perceived through our own eyes. Maybe we will only ever see it in various aspects of our life, but never in it's entirety. We accept that we only have the ability to be certain people at certain times in our lives, and we don't have to be everything at once. We realize the joy in braving everyday with unsteady hands, wobbly legs, and a lack of control. 

My anniversary is no more or less real than the one you may be experiencing, no more or less traumatic. But there is one thing that we all have in common. That, is opportunity. And if you have the courage to relish in everything that opportunity presents then you will move forward without aid. If you choose to exist in a transforming world taking a key role, then you will find that there is nothing you cannot overcome. 

Words

As a general rule of thumb, I have always believed words to be my most powerful asset. Of course, I believe that, I am a writer. I believe that I have the opportunity to impact lives, change minds, create perceptions, and take away loneliness all through words. What are words though? How do we define their relevancy in our own world? They are this abstract channel that influences so much, without really influencing anything at all, unless we allow them to. 

Unless we allow them to. 

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Good friends reminding me that we all make mistakes, and the best thing we can do is learn from them. Who has heard that before? Pretty common breakup line, but this time I was thinking a little bit more about it. Think about the last big breakup you went through. Do you remember that debilitating madness that was a masked desire to break things, shout into a pillow, and drink a lot of wine? No, the point of this is not to make you think about your past relationships. But think about how tough we had it! Why did this happen to me? Why doesn't anything ever work out for me? We get so caught up in things happening to us, that we forget that things happen FOR us. How much more clearly could we see the benefit of what happened for us if we analyzed and accepted that we made the mistake, if nothing else, to make certain that we did not make that same mistake again. 

Some of the biggest mistakes we make (or at least us writers...and Taylor Swift) in relationships all has to do with words. Listening. No, not listening to our significant other bitch about work, that is going to happen regardless of whether they are a man or a woman. But rather listening to the sweet nothings we fantasize in our childhood love stories. The little words of love that seem to move early relationships forward, (before the pure enjoyment of silence sets in). 

Some of us put more weight in those words than others. Maybe you call those people naive, but I think most of us are just looking to paint a picture of our ideal love.  What have I learned though? Words are just the outlining of that picture perfect life. They are the small scratches of boundaries that make us feel confident and comfortable in a relationship, but they don't fulfill us in 

the long run. 

I don't know that there are many people out there who have the ability to add color to our sketches. Maybe the right ones, which clearly (illustrated by the subtle bitterness complex I put out into the blog-sphere) I haven't found. 

Basically, at the end of the day words are just words. You can't touch them, they reach your soul but they do not add color to your life. You cannot feel words, they won't keep you warm in the dead of night, and they can't pick you up when your car breaks down. Words are the fluff, they are like eating candy for every meal, they are literately delicious, they give you a momentary feeling of euphoria just before the sugar pulls you into a coma. 

Writers give words so much credit, and in a lot of ways, they are pretty amazing. But they are nothing without the emotion behind them. And in the real world, they are nothing without the actions to speak alongside them. Words are not meant to sustain us. That is what I have learned. I am not bitter about the things in my life that have ended and I don't resent words for the pain they have brought me, but I do recognize that they are only one part of a much bigger picture.

Words are a writers most powerful asset, but they are also their most threatening downfall.