Control, Comfort, and Possibility

We spend our lives wishing for that perfect man to come along. We build a fantasy in our minds consistent with the idea of beginning a family by the age of 23 like our mother did. Now, that big house in the country with a baby swing out front and a wrap around porch almost haunts our dreams as we wake up alone with a cold side to the bed. By the time we are 25 we find ourselves sleeping in the middle of the bed to forget that two sides exist and pillows pile on to fill the empty spaces. 

Our minds are like our beds, by the time you get played a few times, dumped by the guy you thought was "the one", fall in love with someone who would never love you back, or lose yourself in someone who wasn't willing to find you, we begin to fill the spaces in our minds and in our hearts where emptiness resides. We fill these corners of our minds with thoughts about how these guys were jerks and we allow our hearts to play on that, inadvertently we choose to allow these thoughts to rule our day to day lives. 

Although this is not the same for everyone, maybe I am more of a feminist than I let on, but life is about having control. I don't know a single successful woman that doesn't need to have control over everything in her life. We think that control comes down to a few specifics. We are taught that if we thrive on our career, our relationships, and our physical image than we must have control over our lives.

The truth is, that we only have control over our destiny to a certain extent, and if we program ourselves to take responsibility for the things in our lives that we have control over, we will be successful. However, sometimes the absence of control, and the relinquishing of the stress that coincides with attempting to seize this control is what truly allows us happiness in our success'. 

Think about it. When was the last time you didn't feel at least a little bit bad about your life when you saw yet another picture of a happy couple on Facebook? When we let go of the idea that we have control over when and who we fall in love with, then that twinge of guilt, or sadness, or insufficiency, would cease to exist. We would look at another picture and in our mind we would look to the other side of the bed with hope and excitement.

I am by no means making a statement against those who marry young, who find the love of their life in high school and live happily ever after. It doesn't make either of us better or worse for living our lives the way we have chosen to. It's all just very different, and diversity is in no sense any reason for animosity. When we allow ourselves to see the happiness in other peoples individualized success' {whatever they may be} we can begin to see the same in our own.

So,

Seek responsibility and

Relinquish the uncontrollable 

Live your life on your own terms 

And most importantly: 

Thrive in possibility, rather than seek comfort in certainty.  

Walking Away

We spend so much time in our lives thinking "what's next" and the other half of our time is listening to people tell us to "live in the moment". The inconsistencies of our life, between how we are programmed to feel, think, and see things and what people say we should be feeling, thinking, or seeing things causes a rift in the human emotion. We start wondering why things dont work out the way they are supposed to. We start thinking that life is going to somehow fall apart if we create the wrong balance with the wrong people, at the wrong time

The truth is, that your life will fall apart. You will meet the wrong guy.You will blind yourself from the bad, and indulge yourself in the good. You will believe every word that comes out of his mouth because it sounds so perfect, and so right. You will invest yourself in him, do anything for him, and sometimes (most of the time) you will lose yourself in him.

So when do you come out of it all? Ill tell you one thing, its not when your friends tell you, or when your family tells you, or when people walk by you dont even know and tell you. You'll drag it out, its inevitable, call it lack in self-dignity, or lack in self-preservation. Maybe you stay with him for companionship, and maybe that companionship turns into love, but sometimes its just enough to hold yourself together. When you are with someone that you need to hold you together, that is when you really fall apart.

I cant explain the pit in my stomach, constantly, never going away. The million thoughts running through my head. Wanting so bad to just move forward, but so stuck in standing still. I lied in his arms and felt nothing but fear, fear of leaving them, fear of falling apart without him. Your realism is what saves you. Because when love is blind, reality hits you even harder. The memories are the worst, because they remind you what you gave up. Although you are no longer blind the memories are blindy imprinted. That happiness was real, as real as it could have been.

Sorry, is the last words Ill say to him. Sorry that we couldnt make this work, Sorry I couldnt be who you needed me to be. Sorry that this reality has hit us so harshly. With the most effort I have ever had to gather I moved slowly out the door, looking back only to remember that this was the last time I would ever feel welcome in that place.

As I closed the door to his house, I literally closed the door on everything we were, and with tears running down my cheeks the lonliness already consumed me.

The more I think about it, the more I think that I have been lonely for a very long time. Even when he laid next to me, even when he kissed me, even when he held me; I felt alone.

So I move forward, slowly and still with greif but I know that this will pass, and

I will remember that everything has to fall apart, before it can even begin to fall together.

I never understood why people wrote songs about break ups...until now

So you turn on the radio and your favorite song is on. 

You jam out to a couple of verses before you realize that its a song about true loathing and hate, 

about confusion and misunderstanding, about fear and loneliness. 

"But wait, its so catchy! I love this song" 

you say to yourself. Eventually you listen to the whole song and you want to cry by the end.

Why Taylor Swift? Why do you do these things to me?! 

My teardrops fall on my cheap knitted sweater, and the white horse is a beat up 1985 audi, 

but your songs? They speak to me!

Its like the stages of grief. 

If only every breakup could be resolved in a three hour therapy sesh with T. Swift.

Stage One: Denial. 

The story of us is that we were never going to work, but I still want to look at you across the room and pretend like you actually gave a shit about me at one point. But its just crazy and I should've said no to begin with

Stage 2: Anger. 

Unresolved fights, passive aggressive actions, why did I waste all my time on you? Honestly though? Your picture? I just want to dump them all in a bonfire, 

after cutting myself out of course because that there's a cute picture of me! 

But damnit! 

I should have known better! 'I knew you were trouble when you walked in' and its winter so I don't want to fall on the ground because its really cold. 

Good thing I have my snuggie so I can wrap myself up to prepare for my next stage of grief.

Stage 3: Bargaining.

 Just take me back to December, so i can see your family (who incidentally I actually liked more than I liked you.) I realized I loved you in the fall, and somehow fell out of love with you by December, 

but hey! here I am, I am swallowing my pride, 

see me one more time, this can work, I promise, you belong with me...Ok, putting my phone in the other room now, because I miss your texting and my fingers have a mind of their own.

Stage 4:Depression. 

Ok so now that my tear soaked hoodie is filled with the result of months of relationship effort 

I am going to pretend that the 3 glasses of wine actually eased my pain. 

I don't know what to be without you around, 'you're the only thing I know like the back of my hand'. Trying to breathe hurts more through the sobbing. 'Losing you is blue, like I've never known; missing you is dark gray all alone'

Stage 5:Acceptance. 

The bright end of the rainbow comes when you realize that he was never good enough for you 

I'm putting on these high heels on because I want to damnit! 

I am going to blast this song on the radio because you're not sitting beside me. I met someone, he got to the restaurant early, and I might be a little shy, but I am ready, to begin again. The next one is going to make a rebel of my fathers careful daughter. 

And lets face it, 'we are never getting back together...like, ever.'

I take out the CD feeling empowered, Like all of the hurtful things he said to me had been swallowed up by music, like his "I love you"'s never existed. I step out and I feel the weight of the world off of my chest and land at my feet. I step up as I rise above the burden, and I smile at what is truly existent. 

I sigh, I breathe out the negativity, I see happiness and hope and most of all, a fresh start.

Change is the only Constant

Alas, the time has come. I feel as if I have been waiting on the edge of forever for a glimmer of hope which brought to me, an abundance of happiness. Not all has been l consumed in my state of euphoria, fear and anxiety still linger as an imminent change lures me in. This new journey beginning so soon to an end I could never have guessed would come so soon in my post grad life.

The world within reach to my outstretched arms holds a promise for brighter days ahead. This change though forced upon me seems to be the lighter in a room of candles.

I look back only to reflect on the days which I felt so lost, so confused, so insignificant. I analyze the steps, the decisions, and the support that has brought me to this day. It's almost impossible to pinpoint a moment, a fraction of time, that even comes close to explaining how I have become this person. I remember the nickels and dimes that complimented my tears as I walked aimlessly through a period of time I never thought I deserved, and never felt like I belonged. So insistent that life had a bigger plan for me than the moment forced upon me.

And then, I had thought everything made sense for a while. I had a purpose. Never did I think, in a million years, that less than a year after college I would be switching career paths, and feel completely right about it.

It's amazing what 8 months can do, how it can change your life. I walk with my head held high, with an air of confidence I never even knew I was capable of. I am learning to love my life despite its imperfections, and despite the obstacles and hardships that threaten to break my stride.

Challenges will ensue, and tears will still fall, but I will survive, despite it all.

Every Action has a Reaction

The most difficult times in our lives are often the moments with the most potential. The intensity and momentum behind feelings and energy's are so prominent that they have the power to truly change someone's life for better or worse. When you are going through a rough patch, the worst thing you can do is use that energy as a relentless pain on your life. If you see that emotion taking the better half of you and tearing you down, then there is something that needs to change.

Motivation comes from energy. We all know what it feels like to be stuck in bed with no want or will to step foot outside the house. It's almost as if that reality doesn't even exist in our minds. However, once we find that energy, whether it derives from our guilt or conscious understanding of the word "lazy" we find a motivation.

The action to reaction law is not only scientific but philosophical. There is a motive behind each action. An energy by which it makes it's first movements. An action which is typically pushed by a forcefield, which in this case would be a human emotion. We can choose, that's the amazing thing about free will, to ensure that motive is positive, no matter how negative the emotion is. Anger is the most powerful emotion to create true change and success. I believe in it's ability to bring about love and sincerity from a mixture of turbulent fury and submission.

What I feel now is insubordination, it is anxiety, fear, fury, and relentless submission. But what have I decided is going to become of this? A passion for a positive reaction from such negative actions. The insubordination drives my passion for leadership and challenge, my anxiety a momentum for change. My fear, though still an obstacle, reminds me that strength and bravery are the only results of overcoming it. My fury drives me towards a future of happiness. My submission towards authority.

So why do we feel tested by negativity? When positivity is the only successful outcome? The negativity tears and pulls at our strength as if we will break. But the perseverance and relentless drive at which we face the negative energy, is what makes the positivity even more easily obtainable.

Time Spent, Time Wasted, Time we will Never get Back.

Is it just me? Or are we as humans designed to constantly be thinking what we will do next? Analyzing what we have done? Observing what we are doing now? To the point where we become obsessed with every decision we make as if it will effect our entire life? I must sound incredibly neurotic right now, but why wouldn't you be engrossed by the decisions you make? If you are going to be engrossed by anyone's life it might as well be your own right?

I have made a lot of wrong decisions in my life. They have taught me to know that the right decisions I make are, in fact, the right decisions. Whether the right decision consisted of me breaking up with my ex boyfriend because he was holding me back, or choosing an apartment on the Northside of the city even though it was an hour from work to be closer to the friends who have so positively and influentially effected my life. Every decision I make I am insistent on making it with a basis of clarity and understanding. 

Which brings me to now. In the midst of such a pivotal point in not only my career but my life. Faced with decisions that I have to make, no matter how hard they seem to be. Wondering if, had I chosen a different path 30 days ago, 6 months ago, 4 years ago, would I still be facing the same decisions. Answer is? Probably not. I may have been facing different decisions, but that't not to say they wouldn't have been equally as difficult to make. 

Life isn't about wallowing in the decisions we are forced to make, or dwelling on the choices we have already made. Time spent will always be a part of us, but we will never get it back, replaced only with the memories we so insistently cling upon to remember that the time was a reality for us at one point in our life.  Time wasted was never as bad as we think. Wasted time is about learning, growing, sometimes hurting and suffering. But wasted time is never actually wasted, simply misplaced. And it keeps us from losing our way again. 

We move forward with the same momentum, the same motivation we have so desperately relied upon for our entire lives. We make hesitant decisions which we make the most out of. Because moving through life with certainty isn't normal. It allows us to be consumed in unemotional realities that fall slow stepping upon the path which urges us to move forward. Sometimes change is the most difficult decision we make, but sometimes its the best. 

Change commits us to living a life of uncertainty. It commits us to spending time, and not worrying about whether or not we will get it back. 

Clairty

I think its interesting, and a little frustrating, how a really bad day, that turns into a really bad week, followed by some tears, wine, and a good nights sleep can be so eye opening. Its like every emotion you have wanted to feel in the past week meshed up into a panic unrecognizable to your own ability to stay calm.

The panic increases with every small disappointment, every single unfortunate event, every hurtful word. Escalation of emotions that don't make sense, but keep us limited in the moment. Blinded by the colors so dark in our current vision of the world keep us from seeking clarity. So misunderstood to the world is the inconsistencies of our stability. 

Each person has the strength to stay out of the dark, but each personality utilizes that strength in a different way. So career minded and professionally rooted, I find that my strength is focused in keeping an image. Holding back the tears that draw from misunderstandings, from insensitivity, from ignorance. In moments so significantly defined by my career, a moment of clarity is few and far between when you are trying to be the strong and independent success story that you have drawn up in your mind. 

Where does success lie for each of us, and are the moments in which we blind ourselves just as important as the moments in which we seek clarity? Its no secret that the world tells us success lies in our fiscal means to live, rather than our own emotional stability, but where do we draw that line? And when is too much, too much? 

The dreams we all have are relative to the actions we take to reach them. The reactive nature of outside elements can prove to be just as helpful as they are destructive. 

The mistakes I make are just stepping stones that keep me moving forward. Imagine, being so involved with your future that every decision you make could make or break it. Why do we emphasize free will so much when we are bound to make the wrong decision once in a while? And how to we claim responsibility for the wrong turns we make when we have spent so much time deciding whether a certain decision is right or wrong?

Decisions rule our lives and the only ones we make with confidence are the ones we make in clarity. So amidst a blind entrance no good can come, but when the eyes open and have been washed of the insignificant emotion there is a world of possibility.

With that we take a hesitant step towards clarity, hoping that in its transformation it can provide us with steps made despite fear.

Hoping that clarity will define the choices we make, and keep our lives bright and cool.

Just as the flowers bloom with the cool clean air only after a dangerous storm, do our decisions make sense only after a heartbreaking obstacle. 

Standing out on the Edge

Sometimes, in my life, I look out off my cliff I constantly stand upon. I see the waves of fear and disappointment, failure and insubordination threatening to consume me if I were to fall off the fragile ledge I found myself on. Some days I fly. Some days I fall.

Today I fell. I felt the weight of my world creep up on me and push me off the ledge like a fifth grade bully. I try so hard to fall slowly, hoping that at some point during the trip to the bottom I'll catch myself on a tree branch of clarity, or fall onto a rock of reality. But my life, and the vigor at which I have been living it at, consumed me today. And I fell into the deep water. Cold with despair, and void of any hope, the current thrust me deeper into its abyss and stole the very strength from my weakened muscles. 

 I struggle to swim to the top, to breathe that fresh air of positive energy...but my energy, swallowed by the dark blue that lurks in the corners of my life, struggles to regain itself and make its way back to me. And on days like this I let it fall away, turning more into a memory than any sort of understanding. 

The day will not resolve, the edge tortured me until I gave up, and let the tears of insufficiency fall. As my body lie dangling in a state of utter consumption. Emotion binding me from gathering the strength of revival. I close my eyes because I see no possibility in movement. 

As my eyes close I remember, that the broken sides of me need the sobs of sadness in order to be fixed. 

I remember that no matter how damaged I feel in the night, my sun will still rise tomorrow, and I will have no choice but to open my eyes once again. 

Born to Fly

Restless. 

Heart Racing.

Mind turned on high volume, and running on every last speck of energy I have. 

Waiting for that rush of energy, that comes when I least expect it.

Anticipation. 

Yearning. 

Fly. 

Focused as I glide through my day, lost in a sea of thought without distraction.

Worry.

Fear. 

Slow Down. 

Listening to my future on Repeat. Keeping me from singing in the present.

Time. 

Youth.

Experience.

I've learned to train before you run, and warm up before you race. 

Freedom.

Determination.

Passion. 

 I was Born to Fly. 

Translating "fate" into "faith"

Everyday life seems to be weighing down, I forget that I am in this for the long haul, that my life is just beginning, and that I have so much more time to do everything I want to do. 

I am soaring through my career at a speed that translates the very impatience within my soul. As if the sacrifices I am making today, are not going to put me where I desire to be tomorrow.

I don't talk too much about love on here, mainly because I don't want to wallow in drama, or seem openly vulnerable. I've never been too lucky in love. Whether it was because we were too young to make those big decisions, or we were too insecure to be mature about the decisions we were forced to make. The relationships I have found myself in, I will admit, have consumed me. Those boys were factions of my imagination, because they never turned out to be as good as I thought they were. They were never that full package. Therefore, they could never be the man I needed them to be. 

To be honest, I am 24 years old, and with every experience I have, and every feeling that does creep up on me, I am still learning what I want in a man. When I pull from every experience I have, every feeling I allow myself to feel runs through my body like fuel to an engine. The memories from both of these serve as reminders towards what I am doing, where I am going. But sometimes, I still feel so stuck. Like I somehow have to be everything at once for someone in order to fall in love, or make a relationship work. I realize this may all sound a bit jaded, like all I've ever experienced is heartache. The jaded corners of my past fade like lines on a chalkboard, they will never fully disappear. 

Destiny is such a teenage pop story concept, the quicker we grow up the more we frame that idea of fate into faith.

My mother raised me to be a strong woman, to recognize my mistakes, but to not put up with making the same one twice. She taught me to be a avid listener, and a passionate believer in the good of life and the people who make up my own. I thank my lucky stars every day for the upbringing I had, without it I would be lost. Even more than I am now. 

Positive thinking, sometimes, can be the most difficult thing you do.

There are days when I simply rise above it all. I adopt a new perspective and a run with it until I forget what it was that I was rising above in the first place.

Last night, I had a chance to thrive in the practicality of this concept. I sat on the ledge of my bedroom window, looking out into a city skyline blurred by the flurries of snow which hid its complete beauty. At the same time, I felt as though I was seeing the city in a new light. Like above all the chaos and insensitivity there is something beautiful and unseen. Like the quiet of the night was a clean slate to the negativity of the day. Its moments like these that we all need on occasion. A perspective so innately original, so captivating and refreshing, and we remember why we go through everything else. 

Those moments, imprisoned in time yet brought with me as a memory, help me to accept the sacrifices I am making so that at the end of my road, my big picture, is even more developed. The loneliness drips through my painting like teardrops, but I have to know that its all worth something in the end. 

The scars and tears, so harsh and ineffective in the moment create the perfect geometry to an otherwise cluttered yet exciting journey. 

Blindly Composing Reality

Why are we programmed to constantly think about what comes next? 

Our minds are so focused on what could be, what might be, and what should be. Its infectious of our entire persona, it takes over our membranes and restrains us each and every day. We are so constrained and so unable to see the opportunity in flexibility, the comfort in each step we take, because we are not inspired by the journey, but obsessed with the destination.


Where's the reality in that? There is no reality in a race ran blind, a paper written asleep, a meal cooked with no ingredients. Its the substance of the makeup that create a clear reality in the end. What's the point in obsessing over a destination when we, ourselves, don't know what it is?


We spend our days in a crazy ambition, in a blur of misunderstood fury centered around dreams which we cannot translate into a language. We spend our days struggling with the right questions to ask, the right answers to give, and the right things to say. What would happen, if we decided to focus on each moment as it came?


The moments would be that more precious, and they would never disappoint, because they were not formerly a preconceived perfection. The breaths drawn in, and blown out would move with the fluidity at which we took them, without breaks and inconsistencies. We would see our worlds transform into seconds, spread out over periods of time, and we could better analyze both the accomplishments and failures that bring us joy in the end.

More than the destination, or even the small steps in our journey, is understanding the motivation behind each of our own personal determination. 

Spinning recklessly can result from extreme caution if we choose to display wild forms of uncertainty in each move we make. 

Failing miserably can result from determination if we choose to misinterpret our own ambition. 

Embracing Ambition

What is meant by a time for reflection? And further than that, do we choose when and where we do such thinking? It is my belief that these moments of realization, focus, and thought provoking analysis come at random, they come during times where our minds are at peace and our hearts are wandering, searching for answers that only exist in our peripheral view.

I am inspired, I am observant, I analyze, commit, and execute. The view of white racing past me brings peace to my mind, regardless of the task at hand; and, as my logic focus' on the snow stained highways, my mind wanders to a place much further away. 

I begin to see myself in the future, as I have done so many times before, and I see myself as the very person I hope to become. I see myself as even more educated, cultured, and traveled. I see myself as a strong and independent businesswoman, who makes a true and significant difference in this industry which, for as long as I can remember, I have truly loved. As if in a realistic daydream, my mind comes back to the circumstances and situations that compose my current reality. The questions flow within me about the logic of it all. Am I in any position to become that person? Have I accomplished enough to be deserving of that person? Where does my determination, my focus, and my passion truly lie?

The happiest moment of my reflection lies within the abstract understanding of each and every intricacy of these answers. The reality which brings me to conclusive evidence of my path cleared of misunderstandings, at least for a little while.

I start to become inspired by the journey, as it unfolds before my eyes, the journey I have yet to embark upon. I begin to feel emotion transforming my thoughts, and invoking excitement within my calm and steady soul.

Those who believe in the power of inspiration, will thrive in their ambition.

An Infinite String of Adjustments

My mind is blocked, there is no formation of understandings, there is no portrayal of organization.

My life is in a current state of adjustments. 

It really makes you think, it makes you wonder how you could possibly take on more than you are right now. How you deal with the changes that are forced upon you, and how you initiate change in yourself. When you feel so blocked, so uninspired by the events that tragically form your day. How is this routine that you find yourself in going to keep you happy, even if you find yourself in a current state of content. 

Because I am not just going through the motions. 

Everything I do, everyday, I do with heart, with logic, and with flexibility. The thoughts enter and leave my mind with differentiation and I embrace the idea that they will forever imprint me with certain feelings, beliefs, and values. I take on my daily responsibilities with vigor, intent, and determination for their completion. I allow myself to embrace the reality of the unknown, whether that lie in time, space, or dependence.

I see my daily routine as an adventure, rather than a burden.

Long days will inevitably accompany this mindset. It will be as if a million things lie before you, and even more comes to be as you race through your jungle of responsibilities. The trees do not clear for even a moment to allow you to catch your breath, life is chasing you constantly, and keeping up to the standard you place yourself at will determine how you feel when you finally reach the clearing. In the clearing you will find rejuvenation, you will see a lake of intuition, and of thought provoking excitement. 

I am a woman on the edge, being chased by life, and jumping over rocks of obstacles, only to land in a pool of adjustments. But the run isn't determined by all that. I remain calm in the face of intensity as I embrace every step, every fault, and every breath. I welcome the uncertainties with an open heart, and despite the fatigue and misunderstanding, I simply move forward, into a world I know I will conquer,

Into a life I know will bring me happiness.