Time Spent, Time Wasted, Time we will Never get Back.

Is it just me? Or are we as humans designed to constantly be thinking what we will do next? Analyzing what we have done? Observing what we are doing now? To the point where we become obsessed with every decision we make as if it will effect our entire life? I must sound incredibly neurotic right now, but why wouldn't you be engrossed by the decisions you make? If you are going to be engrossed by anyone's life it might as well be your own right?

I have made a lot of wrong decisions in my life. They have taught me to know that the right decisions I make are, in fact, the right decisions. Whether the right decision consisted of me breaking up with my ex boyfriend because he was holding me back, or choosing an apartment on the Northside of the city even though it was an hour from work to be closer to the friends who have so positively and influentially effected my life. Every decision I make I am insistent on making it with a basis of clarity and understanding. 

Which brings me to now. In the midst of such a pivotal point in not only my career but my life. Faced with decisions that I have to make, no matter how hard they seem to be. Wondering if, had I chosen a different path 30 days ago, 6 months ago, 4 years ago, would I still be facing the same decisions. Answer is? Probably not. I may have been facing different decisions, but that't not to say they wouldn't have been equally as difficult to make. 

Life isn't about wallowing in the decisions we are forced to make, or dwelling on the choices we have already made. Time spent will always be a part of us, but we will never get it back, replaced only with the memories we so insistently cling upon to remember that the time was a reality for us at one point in our life.  Time wasted was never as bad as we think. Wasted time is about learning, growing, sometimes hurting and suffering. But wasted time is never actually wasted, simply misplaced. And it keeps us from losing our way again. 

We move forward with the same momentum, the same motivation we have so desperately relied upon for our entire lives. We make hesitant decisions which we make the most out of. Because moving through life with certainty isn't normal. It allows us to be consumed in unemotional realities that fall slow stepping upon the path which urges us to move forward. Sometimes change is the most difficult decision we make, but sometimes its the best. 

Change commits us to living a life of uncertainty. It commits us to spending time, and not worrying about whether or not we will get it back. 

Clairty

I think its interesting, and a little frustrating, how a really bad day, that turns into a really bad week, followed by some tears, wine, and a good nights sleep can be so eye opening. Its like every emotion you have wanted to feel in the past week meshed up into a panic unrecognizable to your own ability to stay calm.

The panic increases with every small disappointment, every single unfortunate event, every hurtful word. Escalation of emotions that don't make sense, but keep us limited in the moment. Blinded by the colors so dark in our current vision of the world keep us from seeking clarity. So misunderstood to the world is the inconsistencies of our stability. 

Each person has the strength to stay out of the dark, but each personality utilizes that strength in a different way. So career minded and professionally rooted, I find that my strength is focused in keeping an image. Holding back the tears that draw from misunderstandings, from insensitivity, from ignorance. In moments so significantly defined by my career, a moment of clarity is few and far between when you are trying to be the strong and independent success story that you have drawn up in your mind. 

Where does success lie for each of us, and are the moments in which we blind ourselves just as important as the moments in which we seek clarity? Its no secret that the world tells us success lies in our fiscal means to live, rather than our own emotional stability, but where do we draw that line? And when is too much, too much? 

The dreams we all have are relative to the actions we take to reach them. The reactive nature of outside elements can prove to be just as helpful as they are destructive. 

The mistakes I make are just stepping stones that keep me moving forward. Imagine, being so involved with your future that every decision you make could make or break it. Why do we emphasize free will so much when we are bound to make the wrong decision once in a while? And how to we claim responsibility for the wrong turns we make when we have spent so much time deciding whether a certain decision is right or wrong?

Decisions rule our lives and the only ones we make with confidence are the ones we make in clarity. So amidst a blind entrance no good can come, but when the eyes open and have been washed of the insignificant emotion there is a world of possibility.

With that we take a hesitant step towards clarity, hoping that in its transformation it can provide us with steps made despite fear.

Hoping that clarity will define the choices we make, and keep our lives bright and cool.

Just as the flowers bloom with the cool clean air only after a dangerous storm, do our decisions make sense only after a heartbreaking obstacle. 

Standing out on the Edge

Sometimes, in my life, I look out off my cliff I constantly stand upon. I see the waves of fear and disappointment, failure and insubordination threatening to consume me if I were to fall off the fragile ledge I found myself on. Some days I fly. Some days I fall.

Today I fell. I felt the weight of my world creep up on me and push me off the ledge like a fifth grade bully. I try so hard to fall slowly, hoping that at some point during the trip to the bottom I'll catch myself on a tree branch of clarity, or fall onto a rock of reality. But my life, and the vigor at which I have been living it at, consumed me today. And I fell into the deep water. Cold with despair, and void of any hope, the current thrust me deeper into its abyss and stole the very strength from my weakened muscles. 

 I struggle to swim to the top, to breathe that fresh air of positive energy...but my energy, swallowed by the dark blue that lurks in the corners of my life, struggles to regain itself and make its way back to me. And on days like this I let it fall away, turning more into a memory than any sort of understanding. 

The day will not resolve, the edge tortured me until I gave up, and let the tears of insufficiency fall. As my body lie dangling in a state of utter consumption. Emotion binding me from gathering the strength of revival. I close my eyes because I see no possibility in movement. 

As my eyes close I remember, that the broken sides of me need the sobs of sadness in order to be fixed. 

I remember that no matter how damaged I feel in the night, my sun will still rise tomorrow, and I will have no choice but to open my eyes once again.