Pain at the Hand of Beauty

How do you see yourself? 

When you wake up fresh from a dream and carry yourself to the mirror in the morning, who do you see? 

I know we all wish we could wake up powdered faces, sin circles under the eyes, hair combed. Who do I see? See I am the type of person who looks like someone beats her up in her sleep. I am not kidding either, ask my friends, somehow, my hair manages to literally stick in every single direction when I wake up in the morning. Usually the dark circles are mixed with some makeup that didn't come off in the wash the night before, skin looks clean but blotchy. What if we woke up in the morning and started our day believing that fresh awoken, sleepy face that slowly awakening body, was beautiful?

How different would our day be if we saw perfection in the imperfections of an image so pure, and so fresh, and so untouched as the image we see first thing in the morning. Can you imagine where each step in getting ready would take us? And more than that can you imagine the confidence we would inevitably carry ourselves with were we to begin our day with a simple thought?

I am beautiful.

I know more than most how it feels to want to change everything about yourself. I've always been the taller one, the bigger one, the different one. I never allowed myself to hear the words that described the beauty I felt like I possessed. The words that invested themselves in me as confidence took a long time to develop into something that was cognizant to my everyday being.

I know that I have a long way to go, but look at how far I've come. 

Unless you see beauty within yourself, no one will ever see that beauty. Unless you commit to the likelihood that your confidence will carry you, you will continue to hide behind the aspects in your life you feel define you. Unless you choose to let your own words, your own thoughts, your own beliefs, and your own actions be the direct representation and the ultimate definition of your being? You are not going to be free from the binds that will continue to hold you back.

So how did I build this confidence? I began by taking out judgment, criticism, and the absolute insane idea of perfection and more than that, what society teaches us is perfection. 

I looked at myself and I forced myself to be inspired by the person staring back at me.

I looked at my love handles as something to love, and my smile as something to cherish, 

I looked at my eyes as a token of peace and my height and strength as a sign of perseverance.

 I looked at the softness of my features as a channel of youth and innocence, 

my hands as a channel of motivation. 

I saw my mouth as a channel of dedication, and my heart as a channel of hope. 

I saw a potential in each imperfection as an intimate relationship with progression towards becoming a better person. I don't look at my weight as an obstacle anymore, but rather an opportunity. To find an abstract idea in which I can thrive in, a future I can work for, health which I can live vivaciously through.

I stand upon this box, which I have built despite hardships. I watch the threatening hands of the world attempt to break me. And sometimes I fall, I look at my knees, and the skin which holds me together? Broken. 

Pain by the hand of Beauty. 

I retrieve my composure by reassurance, and step up again with a weary soul. Waiting for the next judgment, the next whisper, the next stare. I refuse to be enslaved by the ideas meant to tear me down. I look up, into that morning bathroom mirror, and I tell myself; 

You have a beautiful body. You have a beautiful soul. 

Your confidence can change the world.