Wine soaked logic: Wasted Time.

Moments lost in translation. Lost in the universe never to be found again. These moments so significant in the minute, so memorable by the hour, so influential by the day. 

Mistaken. Lost. Hidden.

What is wasted time? Is it that time which we cling to so unaware of our surroundings? So stubborn about our future. So distressed by our past? We cling to this time in moments of emptiness to remind us that we have a right to feel it. To remind us that we didn't waste our life. 

What is the reality? The reality is that we have allowed ourselves to divulge into a picture so smeared, or so intricate and complex that all our eyes capture within the moment is a stroke of the brush and the colors which create it. We can look down and see our feet on the path, but what we do not realize is that as we draw closer to the idea of utopia, we find ourselves betrayed by reality.

The limitations of our canvas do not exist. To escape meant missing out on the masterpiece. To the colors within we felt connected to one another. We believed in the power of these  primary colors to become advanced to grow into something we have never known before. 

Time.

The clock twists. Logically, full of numbers, equations which never surprise us...What happens when those numbers become smeared? Like the colors of a painting? The numbers lose meaning, the time loses weight in logic, the circle of reason becomes a radius, constantly spinning, but never slowing for understanding, but rather becoming a hypnosis.

Painting with numbers, Its the time you realize doesn't exist, so much so that you forget your wasting it. So what creates this circumference of colors? Is it the man who calls you names? Is it the mistake you made that will haunt you forever? Is it the frustration that feels as though will always be there? Our spherical canvas that shows no escape route is created with these moments, spotted with mistakes, void of logic. 

Pain is illogical. Scars are unreasonable. 

But the result? That is a truly compelling vindication.
Our only guilt lies in the heavy heart which creates a perception of distortion. 

Afternoon in Monterey

What can I say about the opportunities I have been blessed with? What about the experiences I have had to discover my world far beyond the horizons that box me into my reality day after day?
My success', my failures?
For a long time I believed that I just deserved what I got, good or bad. Even had a few discussions with friends about the idea behind deserving the things that come in our life. Always playing on the side that we truly do deserve what we get. Here's the problem, we don't.

I have always been a strong advocate for choices. And those which we make everyday being the key to who we transform into. I learned about something else this week, when correlated the two ideas build an argument against deserving something versus simple energy in the universe. What you put out is what you get back.

Bear with me. I may need you to be a little more open minded than usual, what I am talking about, what I learned? It was all about faith. Faith in a higher power. They say that you never understand what it means to have faith until you feel it because it is such an extremely abstract idea. Faith doesn't have to be directly associated with religion. But whatever you believe in make sure you have faith that it is going to bring you happiness when you reach the end of your road.

I went to California this past week for vacation(that opportunity beyond my own horizons I was talking about earlier?). During the church service I attended the preacher told me a story. The story that changed a perception so firmly ingrained in me, and in many people my age.

He spoke of his nephew who was just 4 years old when he was diagnosed with cancer. Amongst several trials going through remissions and multiple reappearances the child died at this young age. *at which point the preacher broke into tears, an experience of grief so real that those listening so intently felt the pain* He moves on to explain the questions which arose out of this tragedy. "Why Mateo?" "Why do bad things happen to good people?" A panic so real that it brought tears to my eyes. The aftermath, the child parents split up, sadness and misunderstandings ruled their every move. Years of suffering as a result of this tragedy drove separations and ostracizing. One day, years after the child's passing, the mother met an old friend at a party. One year later the preacher expressed the joy he had to officiate a marriage ceremony for the two on a beautiful afternoon on a cliff overlooking Monterey and the bay.

The preacher went on to explain that in times of extreme tragedy it is difficult to see the joy, and in some cases that joy is resulted in a life other than our own. You see we will all always deal with pain and suffering, misunderstanding, and grief... But the results, whether experienced by you or someone  down the road, when we offer up our suffering is that we allow joy to come from it. It doesn't mean we stop suffering, in some cases we suffer more. That's when faith comes in. You believe that the truths which create your persona are powerful beyond your capabilities. An understanding that each time you feel pain, through faith, a higher power pulls through to benefit others. Whether it be a soul in need of grace, or someone who has worked hard and it's their time for success.

Mateo died, and if you believe in eternal life, that was his happy ending. Even if you believe another truth about life and who we are at the end, you cannot argue the joy that came from this suffering. Two souls connected and became one. With one tragedy, came one celebration, *atleast* one happy ending.

Under this logic alone and with the understanding that faith is primary, we see that nothing is ever deserved. When the good opportunities come knocking, or when something great happens for you, it means someone somewhere has offered up their suffering for a stranger, and when you are suffering it just means that it's your turn to offer it up. The cycle continues to turn and those with great faith allow the engine to keep running on our trusted understandings of life and love, hope, and our everyday pursuit of happiness. We simply choose to take part. This is the only real control we have over a joyful result from suffering.

So why now? Why did I question this so intensely when I heard the story? Why did I analyze it? I visited Monterey during the latter part of my trip, I looked out onto the bay, I saw land untouched, water cleansing the cliffs, I felt that energy. Amidst a difficult time in my life I felt that joy of Monterey. I yearned for that to translate into my life, but I also knew it wasn't my time for Monterey.

It would always be there, waiting, right now it was my time to suffer, but not with misunderstanding. It was my time to offer up the pain. I stopped asking "Why me?", because those souls that needed saving needed the grace more than me at the time.

I know I'll continue to suffer, but I would rather suffer in faith than feel joy without.

Joy without faith is empty. Faith is in the energy of the sea, its in the clean lines of the sky as it creates the horizon, it's in the cliffs imperfect with scars, its in waves recovering the land.

Our plan is not a plan at all, it is in the scars created, and the anticipation that
our afternoon in Monterey is coming.

I don't know about you, but I can't wait.