We look at anniversaries as a time to celebrate. A time to relive the joy of the anniversary we are celebrating whether it be with a job, a relationship, sobriety, a big move, or a significant change in our lives. We remember the challenges, the success', the failures, and the joy we experienced in the time. One thing that is never spoken about is when we reach the anniversary milestone of a terrible experience we had. The anniversary of the death of a loved one or a traumatic experience. It's inevitable, that at some point in our lives we will be faced with this anniversary.
One to celebrate? Maybe not so much.
One to reminisce upon? Definitely not.
But it still gives us the opportunity to analyze our lives in a way that we may be so averse to doing in our daily lives as we continue to move forward. An anniversary to look at the change in ourselves, and in the world around us. It is an anniversary that allows us to continue to move on, but to never forget the circumstances which allowed us to do so.
Today, I mark a timed removal of myself from an experience that traumatized me in more ways than one. I actively remember the fear, the disappointment, and the terror of such a situation. I don't celebrate the experience, but rather, I celebrate who I have become in spite of it. Today, although not a day of celebration for me, is a moment for me reflect on the ups and downs of a year spent in dramatic reformation, a year spent in desperate metamorphosis.
I take a lot of pride in myself, and in the life I still continue to build for myself. I take pride in my carefree attitude about life, and in my innate ability to allow the aspects of the world to change me. Whether those aspects are purely circumstantial, or a drive for approval from those I hold close. A pride that was taken away from me when the decisions that I made forced me to realize that I had taken to the passenger seat of my own life for a very long time. I had allowed my desire for spontaneity, my desperate need for approval from all the wrong people, and my all too real hesitation for transformation to become the reality, as opposed to the exception.
As I prepared for my anniversary, I placed myself in that same mindset I worry that I will find comfort in it, rather than misery. I choose, for however short of a period, to allow the ignorance that allowed me to fall in the first place, to consume me while I allow my life, the life that I have built for myself now, to continue passing through me out of habit as opposed to progression.
I write this now from a small place that I found within myself that allowed me to make the decision to not just exist, but to exist better, to become less of an enigma not only to myself but to those who have allowed for my transformation to take place. It's true, that when you first come out of a traumatic experience you go into survival mode. The only thing that you have the capacity to believe, and the energy to progress is to take the steps away from the situation, make better decisions, and hope for a level of recognition within yourself to become evident enough to latch onto so that someday you will thrive.
It took a lot for me to get to the state of existence I find myself in today. It took trust in God, trust in the people trying to help me, and trust in myself that I could move forward and out of my own personally created darkness. It took writing down, and visualizing what I had learned as to not regress. It took me accepting positive energy into my life, and ridding my life of the toxins that blocked my ability to operate at a high frequency. It took me owning my mistake, and making the choice to move forward.
And what has that brought me to? Well, not a state of perfection, I can tell you that much. There are still factors of uncertainty that rule my life. But I make the conscious effort everyday to find opportunity in that uncertainty rather than allowing it to paralyze me. I stabilize my energy by engaging with the world around me, rather than just observing it. I avoid toxic situations and relationships. I build on my affair with myself by committing to being a stronger, more fit, less worrisome version of myself. I fill my time with writing, exploring, interpreting, and creating positive circumstances.
We will never know the joy of perfection, perhaps a state of being that is uniquely perceived through our own eyes. Maybe we will only ever see it in various aspects of our life, but never in it's entirety. We accept that we only have the ability to be certain people at certain times in our lives, and we don't have to be everything at once. We realize the joy in braving everyday with unsteady hands, wobbly legs, and a lack of control.
My anniversary is no more or less real than the one you may be experiencing, no more or less traumatic. But there is one thing that we all have in common. That, is opportunity. And if you have the courage to relish in everything that opportunity presents then you will move forward without aid. If you choose to exist in a transforming world taking a key role, then you will find that there is nothing you cannot overcome.
