You'll be Worth Something Someday

Remember when we were younger? Our parents used to buy us a toy and say "Keep it in the box, in pristine condition, that will be worth something someday." And so we do, and we wait and wait, and we give up moments in our life to hope that someday, that little toy bobble head is worth enough to keep us comfortable.

I feel like that's a little bit like my life has been. I grew up in this Snowglobe of comfort, where everything is made to seem like I am living in a box of pleasantries and I am staring out into this big world of opportunity with anticipation. My parents did a really good job of keeping me in that box for a while, I was a timesake, a collectible to society. 

There was this reflection of myself staring back at me in the 

cheap plastic that guarded me from the world that was telling me. 

Stay in there - it's not so great out here, Stay in there and you'll be worth something someday. 

I think sometimes we are taught that we will only be worth something if we stay tucked away, in a chest of memories that become forgotten over the years, but where we wait to be worth something. In a box keeping us clean and pristine from the dust that only collects around our box rather than being like the pain that collects in our hearts. 

We are taught that the scratches of time from hate and misunderstanding will create an image of insignificance. We are played with, as all toys are. We are passed around and spoken about. We are dropped and lost. We are taught that dust only settles for brief moments in time but eventually you slowly make your way to the back of the shelf, a cycle of forgotten importance that creates voids of worth.

I have, from time to time, missed my box. I've missed that smell of familiarity combined with that embrace of certainty. I miss looking at the world through rose colored glasses and feeling like I will be safely tucked away, not forgotten but protected, from the cruel world we live in. And even in times of clarity where I know that the scratches and scuff marks and constant flurry of dust mean that I have lived, there will always be that small voice in the back of my mind, bringing me back to a place of love where my own reflection told me:

Stay in there- It's not so great out here
Stay in there and you'll be worth something someday. 

Take the Next Step

There are times that we dwell in, these times that are meant to consume us. There are also times where we thrive, and that deliver us from the pain of the times that consume us. There are times of passion and realization, but also times of disenchantment and confusion. It's been about 4 months since I have written anything. Call it whatever you want, writers block, mental pneumonia, or a rut. 

All I know is that these last few months have been a whirlwind mixed in these times. Clarity has yet to present itself. Although I can feel myself moving towards some sort of answer. Going through the motions doesn't cut it anymore. I ache for something more, something real to me. 

So it got me to thinking, why do we, as humans, risk so much of ourselves doing things we don't find happiness in? If we truly understand ourselves, why do we feel the need to constantly gravitate away from ourselves daily? 

Is it comfort and familiarity? Or, is it fear? 

From what I have learned? It's a little bit of both. 

I don't think we ever fully comprehend who we are, and there is a lot of beauty in that. Because we are constantly learning who we are, we have this innate ability to keep surprising ourselves. We have this fantastic opportunity to transform ourselves everyday. However, when it becomes difficult for you to progress that transformation, or the obstacles seem to hold you back, that's when you know that something has to change. 

I grew up in a world where you did not give up. Quitting was never an option. You pushed until you succeeded. But one thing wrong with that methodology is what happens when we reach that success? Just because you are successful at something, doesn't mean that it is what you are supposed to live your life by. Success creates this false sense of security. It is why failures are so important too. 

I look at my life now, and the things I am really passionate about. 

Writing, Fitness, Nutrition, Hospitality, People 

Of the things I have mentioned, I am not afraid to admit that I have failed, time and time again. I still fail to this day at some of them. But, the combination of these things, along with the other smaller pieces of my reality make up who I am. And, at the end of the day, my heart truly gravitates towards a life where I can hold each of these pieces close to me everyday, and not feel like they are a million miles away. 

Living on Sunday night anxiety because tomorrow is Monday and work calls, is no way to live your life. It is not the way that I will continue to choose to live my life. The things we are passionate about, these large and small pieces of our reality that connect us to our true identity? These are the pieces of our life that we will truly be successful in, if we give ourselves the chance to pursue them. 

This is why, tonight I make a promise to myself, and you should as well. To stop letting success be a crutch to stay in a position you are not happy in. To stop letting our fear and relinquishment of ourselves to familiarity be the obstacles that keeps us from pursuing our dreams. And to, everyday, move towards the life we know will bring us happiness, and away from the life that only holds the straps to the straight-jacket we allow to strangle us.

Lower your Expectations, Raise your Standards

Everyone is in your life for a reason. That is what they say, right? It's an interesting concept.

We are on this constant journey to understand ourselves. To think outside the box. To understand the choices we make, to understand the things that have happened to us, and to understand why God put that one person in our life that made us forget who we were.

I am not saying I have it all figured out, I certainly do not. Hell, I don't know if I even have it partially figured out. I have bad days, just like everyone. I have days where the pressure becomes too much and I break into a pool of frustrated tears. But I also have good days. I have days where the weight of the world seems to give me some relief. Often times, in that relief I find revelation and understanding. It is important to me to take note of the realizations I make, so as to not forget that I am moving.

What is more interesting to me than the concept that everyone is in our lives for a reason is the fact that one person, as insignificant as they may seem to the outside world, could be the one person that makes you fall apart and come back together all at the same point simply by coming into your life at the right time. And, how that person can do all of this for you, but still not be the one. Confused yet? Let me explain.

The last two years have been hard. And towards the end of last year, months of sedated understandings came to a head and (pardon my french) shit hit the fan. Shit hit the fan so hard that I didn't know if I would ever be able to trust myself ever again, much less trust anyone else. So coming into this year, I had a plan. This year, is MY year.

Well as if "like clockwork" wasn't already my motto, someone came into my life that just had to have my attention, and although I resisted, I eventually gave in, and for as messy as it got, and for as terrible as it was, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. This person will probably never read this, but if they do, I hope they know that they don't deserve me, not because I am better than them now, but because I want to be a better person for the future. I hope they know that they did impact me, and it might have been in the most significant way possible. I hope they know that they did disappoint me, that they could have been so much more, but they should also be disappointed that they couldn't be that.

This is not a perfect formula. But, I do think it is about timing. And I don't think this person was ever meant to be in my life for long. I think they were here for a moment. They were meant to be a tool for me to learn by, not a tool for me to live by. I don't want it to seem like I am heartbroken, I certainly am not. But I think it is important to note that I wouldn't be who I am now without this person, and the insensitivity he always seemed to approach me with.

That's right, I am not who I am because he treated me well. If anything he forced me to look at who I was, and create a progressive identity crisis for myself.

*He told me I didn't know who I was, and in that, I realized I did. I realized I wasn't the person I was   trying to convince the world I was. I was much different.  
*He treated me like I didn't mean a thing, and in that, I realized I meant a whole hell of a lot.

I began focusing on fitness and nutrition, and I have seen things in a brand new light. My head is clearer than its ever been. I would have never re-prioritized had it not been for him. My clear head has me in this weird fog of clarity, an irony in itself.

What parts of the person that I have been telling the world I am, still apply?
Which parts of me have I suppressed out of fear?
What parts have I hidden as a result of pain?

I am swimming in constant questioning about my true identity, and how to be that person again. But, in a lot of ways, despite this identity crisis, my life makes sense again.

I want to be fixed, doesn't everyone? I have come to terms with disappointment. I have let it sit on my couch, as opposed to being snug into my head. I have questioned it, I have befriended it, and I have belittled it. It is so easy to let disappointment take over, and to lower your expectations of yourself, your life, and the people around you.  And maybe to some degree that is necessary, but there is a fine line between lowering your expectations and lowering your standards.

So, here is the point. Everyone is in your life for a reason. And, if they don't stay in your life, the reason is a matter of reflection. Be disappointed, adjust your expectations. Be upset, but don't lower your standards.

But clarity comes in waves. It's supposedly what keeps life interesting. Right now, I find comfort in my journey both physically and mentally. Remembering that my demons will never be stronger than my will to overcome them.

The truth about being "fat"...from a girl who has always been considered it

Stick to what you know. 

I think I have always approached my writing this way. But constantly sticking to things that didn't put me too far out there. Things that didn't show too much of me.

Stick to what you know. 

I finally get it. You aren't supposed to stick to the things that are easy, or the things that feel good to write about. You're supposed to write about the hard stuff.
_________________________________________________________________________________

If there is one thing I know. It's being curvy.

When I was younger, it defined me. Not that I meant for it to, but when girls on the playground are laughing at you because you have a belly, or telling you that you aren't pretty because your larger than them. It inevitably defines you. I grew up around a constant string of questions.

Why her? Why is she the one bullied?
Why her? Why does she have the health issues?
Why her?

There were years at a time that I remember thinking I was so big, and looking back? I just don't see it. But I was always considered it.

There came a time in my life where I just gave up. I decided that this was who I was, and I did what I could with what I had. Yeah, I mean I did what I could with my body. But more so, I did what I could with my brain, with my quick wit, and with my perseverance. The truth is, growing up fat didn't enable me to be lazy, or to be unmotivated. It caused me to be self conscious, yes. It caused me to be insecure? Of course.

But it never stopped me from doing anything.

Now, I am 27 years old, and there are probably still people who would consider me "fat". And that is okay.  The interesting thing is, that when I get up in the morning, and I leave the house, I see so much more than my body in the mirror. I see a story.

My body tells a story, and it's not one that most people will take the time to get to know.

They'll never know that I see my love handles as something to love, and my smile as something to cherish. They'll never look deeper to see that my eyes are a token of peace, and my height and strength as a sign of perseverance. I will continue to see the softness of my features and imagine the youth I still carry with me, I'll look down at my hands and remember my motivation. More than that though, most people will never know the dedication represented in my mouth, or the hope I hold in my heart.

In some ways, the hardest part of being "fat" isn't even the side glances or hateful words. The hardest part is acceptance. It is accepting your story, knowing that no one can change it. Most importantly though, and something I just recently became aware of, was loving that acceptance, but not allowing yourself to find comfort in it.

So as I have begun my journey towards a healthier lifestyle, I don't wish to "lose weight" or "erase my canvas and start new". No, I don't feel bitterness towards my body in the way that it curves, those curves are a formation of my life, hardships and all.

I am on a journey, but I am transforming more than just my body. I am adjusting my expectations everyday. I am transforming my perception of acceptance. At the end of the day, the story my body tells will have a past, but much like in life, I realize it can also have a future. And I can do it for me.

It is possible to love your body as fat. And its possible to love it as fit. It is your story.
It transforms in all the ways you see it, not how the outside world does.

What story does your body tell?

Weight off my Shoulders

Or weight on my shoulders, depending how you look at it. For those of you who have never read my work before, my name is Chelsea. I got into writing at a young age, but didn't discover my joy in it until much later in life.

So often I find my writing on my blog surrounding the same things.

We are all, constantly, throughout our life, trying to figure out who the hell we are. Some days are better than others, am I right? Some days we know who we are and where we are going, and some days we just look around wondering how the hell we ended up so lost and confused. So this blog has always been about my journey, generalized.

This year I made the decision that I had things I wanted to change in my life. I knew it wouldn't be easy. Hell, I didn't even know if it was possible. I mean I have been doing the same thing for years now, and coming out with the same results -- which is the definition of insanity right? I have refused to believe that I had any control over things in my life, and the situations that I find myself in. Because, if I admitted that, then I would have to admit that I was not doing everything I could to be happy. But this year, I finally admitted it to myself, and have taken steps towards change.

It is easy to tell someone what it means to be a changed person, but its much different when you are the person doing the changing to understand what it means for you, individually to be changed. Everyone evolves in different ways, the pressure they are placed under transforms them into different gems. We all move at different paces, and are motivated in different forms. This is what makes us all so unique. This is what makes us all capable of our own form of greatness.

I can tell you right now that there are a lot of things I am realizing about how I have subconsciously dealt with situations both past and present, but that is a story for another time, and not the reason I am here.

My point with this post is that as I was talking to a friend the other day, I had mentioned it had been a while since I had written. Being a writer herself, she took interest in the reasons I hadn't. My response was simply that I felt I wasn't in a place to make advice to someone about how to reach their goals, or how to be who they were, or how to evolve; if I, myself, didn't have it figured out.

She gave me the best advice.

You're not supposed to write about the destination, you're supposed to write about the journey. With that, I realized that even if I wasn't where I wanted to be, I still had a story to tell, I still had lessons to share, and I still had a voice to be heard.

With that, I hereby commit to never forgetting that we are all just trying to tell our story, one way or another. And the way I express mine, may be different than the way you express yours. My story is more than just the fire in my eyes when I feel passionate about something or someone. It is more than passing glances, and meaningless phrases. My story is in the way I move about life, carefully calculating every move, hidden spontaneity buried deep inside. My story is told by my actions, it is told by my words, it is told by my hardened exterior softened only by my fingers gently tapping a keyboard.

My story will be heard. Maybe it will be passed down. 

Maybe it will be told in deep conversations with the people I love. 

Maybe it will be interpreted from words sprawled out on a screen. 

Maybe it will be told in narratives around a Family Christmas that I have long since attended.

How will you tell yours?

5 Things we should all let go of in 2016

I think its a pretty consistent pattern that I write a blog every year analyzing over and over again what the past year meant to me, what I hated about it, how things were going to be different. Using poetry to somehow mask my feeling of disappointment going into the end of the year. 

This year, I am done with all that flowery crap. This year, I have no problem outright saying that this year was hard. I have no problem outwardly recognizing that it's been a minute since I have felt really good going into the New Year. This year, I know that I am mad. I am mad that I am going into another December 31st with bitterness about the places I have been and the experiences I have seen. So I think it is safe to say that among a laundry list of resolutions my biggest goal for next year is to be happy. 

So, how do you get happy? Well, I am sure everyone has their own ideas. Wine? Chocolate? Gym Time? For me, it is about finally LETTING GO of all the bullshit holding me back. For me, it is about being happy for me, and not for anyone else. For me, it is about finally doing the things I said I would always do but time dwindled and became scarce due to distractions. Letting go is one of those things I have NEVER been good at. But this year, it's time. 

1) Letting go of Past Relationships

   This is probably my number one. And, really, it should be on the top of most peoples list, especially if for the last two years, like me, you have promised to delete his number, or unfriend him on Facebook or block him from your life. Especially if he still haunts your dreams and ruins your day. This year I learned what it meant to be in a dark relationship. Literally, it was one of those situations you wouldn't wish on your worst enemies. A relationship that consumes you in all of the worst ways. I learned what it meant to be swallowed by manipulation, and what it meant to be lied to; ultimately to the point of betrayal. 

   So, no. I am not just going to let go of my past relationships next year, but why not take it a step further. 6 month detox. Your time is worth more than that loser who used you for a year who made promises he never kept, who spoke sweet enough to pull you in but never took the time to be with you. Use your time wisely, detox the distractions, from where I am standing, that could be the biggest difference. 

2) Letting go of idealistic realities:

   I thought I would be out of personal debt by 26. Nope, that was wrong. Life throws you to the wolves every chance it gets. And man, it sucks. Life makes you feel like you are on the right track and then it throws an ocean in between you and your goals. I had a plan, I was making plans, my plans are now just words on a paper. In the last year I refused to improvise which sent me down a spiral of never ending questions and vague answers. So this year? Why don't we just throw the plans out? Goals. That is the only part of our plan that ever works long term. 

   My idealistic reality includes everything that I can't really control. My idealistic reality is an enigma of perfection that will never, and can never, be reached. Because the ocean will always be there, we will always get tired, we will never be able to anticipate the curve balls life throws at us. When we start being realists, we will start to understand that optimism can still rule our choices, and dreams can still be a part of our goals, but we will be able to more gracefully handle the twists and turns of the currents rather than letting them drown us. 

3) Letting go of negativity

   Power of positive thinking. Everyone in my life has been saying these words to me for the last year. Trying to remind me that darkness doesn't last if I start seeing the glass half full. I couldn't do it. Physically, I couldn't. This past year, I couldn't help myself, and part of helping myself would have included accepting others help. I struggle everyday with trying to control my world. But what happens when that grasp you thought you had, slips through your fingers and you have turned down anyone who might be able to hold it for you in the meantime?

   This year, part of letting go of negativity, is letting go of the crazy idea that I can control my world. This year, I will ask for help, and accept it when offered. This year I will put my trust in the people who have proven that they deserve it, rather than those who feel like they deserve it. 

4) Letting go of the people who took advantage:

   When you are a giving soul, who constantly wants others to be happy, you tend to be blinded by those who are taking advantage of you. I have experienced this first hand, and before you say that it's because I have been naive or I haven't wanted to see what was right in front of me, the idea of being blind to the reality of a situation is much more real than just plain ignorance. People take advantage, its just a fact. And those who take advantage take it without a second thought, without an ounce of guilt. It is not naive to be giving, or to want to help others, but when you give it to the wrong people there is a certain immaturity and ignorance to believing that they are the wrong people.

   This year I will help others who need it, rather than help those who feel like they are entitled to it. Give what you can to those who graciously accept your help and stop feeling constantly constricted to feeling like you never want to extend a hand ever again.

5) Letting go of my timeline:

   I was making plans, I have been making plans since the day I realized that I had the power to do whatever I wanted to do, and go wherever I wanted to go. I had my 5 year plan, which turned into my 10 year plan. But I never saw that critical path. I never saw what could go wrong, I didn't plan for things to go wrong. So what happened this year. When things kept going wrong, I lost sight of that 5/10 year plan. In retrospect, losing sight of that plan was the best thing that could have happened to me. It reminded me to live in the moment and experience everything for what it was, not for what it could be.

   This year I will let go of timelines, and remember that everything happens in God's time. I will stop setting deadlines for myself. I will let my life happen organically. I will stop forcing things to happen, I will stop expecting them to be perfect, I will stop being disappointed when things don't go the way I planned. This year, I will live in the moment, this year, I will live.

There is probably so much more I could say. This year? It is MY year, it is YOUR year. Set your sights on what will truly make you happy, don't ignore the things that don't, and cut them out where necessary. Don't wait for things to fall apart, end them before they do. You are given this life to make it a reflection of you. Don't let ANYONE stand in your way.

Its silly to set expectations for yourself in the new year that are completely unobtainable. Be realistic, Be motivated. And if you're not, figure out why and 

LET IT GO