5 Things we should all let go of in 2016

I think its a pretty consistent pattern that I write a blog every year analyzing over and over again what the past year meant to me, what I hated about it, how things were going to be different. Using poetry to somehow mask my feeling of disappointment going into the end of the year. 

This year, I am done with all that flowery crap. This year, I have no problem outright saying that this year was hard. I have no problem outwardly recognizing that it's been a minute since I have felt really good going into the New Year. This year, I know that I am mad. I am mad that I am going into another December 31st with bitterness about the places I have been and the experiences I have seen. So I think it is safe to say that among a laundry list of resolutions my biggest goal for next year is to be happy. 

So, how do you get happy? Well, I am sure everyone has their own ideas. Wine? Chocolate? Gym Time? For me, it is about finally LETTING GO of all the bullshit holding me back. For me, it is about being happy for me, and not for anyone else. For me, it is about finally doing the things I said I would always do but time dwindled and became scarce due to distractions. Letting go is one of those things I have NEVER been good at. But this year, it's time. 

1) Letting go of Past Relationships

   This is probably my number one. And, really, it should be on the top of most peoples list, especially if for the last two years, like me, you have promised to delete his number, or unfriend him on Facebook or block him from your life. Especially if he still haunts your dreams and ruins your day. This year I learned what it meant to be in a dark relationship. Literally, it was one of those situations you wouldn't wish on your worst enemies. A relationship that consumes you in all of the worst ways. I learned what it meant to be swallowed by manipulation, and what it meant to be lied to; ultimately to the point of betrayal. 

   So, no. I am not just going to let go of my past relationships next year, but why not take it a step further. 6 month detox. Your time is worth more than that loser who used you for a year who made promises he never kept, who spoke sweet enough to pull you in but never took the time to be with you. Use your time wisely, detox the distractions, from where I am standing, that could be the biggest difference. 

2) Letting go of idealistic realities:

   I thought I would be out of personal debt by 26. Nope, that was wrong. Life throws you to the wolves every chance it gets. And man, it sucks. Life makes you feel like you are on the right track and then it throws an ocean in between you and your goals. I had a plan, I was making plans, my plans are now just words on a paper. In the last year I refused to improvise which sent me down a spiral of never ending questions and vague answers. So this year? Why don't we just throw the plans out? Goals. That is the only part of our plan that ever works long term. 

   My idealistic reality includes everything that I can't really control. My idealistic reality is an enigma of perfection that will never, and can never, be reached. Because the ocean will always be there, we will always get tired, we will never be able to anticipate the curve balls life throws at us. When we start being realists, we will start to understand that optimism can still rule our choices, and dreams can still be a part of our goals, but we will be able to more gracefully handle the twists and turns of the currents rather than letting them drown us. 

3) Letting go of negativity

   Power of positive thinking. Everyone in my life has been saying these words to me for the last year. Trying to remind me that darkness doesn't last if I start seeing the glass half full. I couldn't do it. Physically, I couldn't. This past year, I couldn't help myself, and part of helping myself would have included accepting others help. I struggle everyday with trying to control my world. But what happens when that grasp you thought you had, slips through your fingers and you have turned down anyone who might be able to hold it for you in the meantime?

   This year, part of letting go of negativity, is letting go of the crazy idea that I can control my world. This year, I will ask for help, and accept it when offered. This year I will put my trust in the people who have proven that they deserve it, rather than those who feel like they deserve it. 

4) Letting go of the people who took advantage:

   When you are a giving soul, who constantly wants others to be happy, you tend to be blinded by those who are taking advantage of you. I have experienced this first hand, and before you say that it's because I have been naive or I haven't wanted to see what was right in front of me, the idea of being blind to the reality of a situation is much more real than just plain ignorance. People take advantage, its just a fact. And those who take advantage take it without a second thought, without an ounce of guilt. It is not naive to be giving, or to want to help others, but when you give it to the wrong people there is a certain immaturity and ignorance to believing that they are the wrong people.

   This year I will help others who need it, rather than help those who feel like they are entitled to it. Give what you can to those who graciously accept your help and stop feeling constantly constricted to feeling like you never want to extend a hand ever again.

5) Letting go of my timeline:

   I was making plans, I have been making plans since the day I realized that I had the power to do whatever I wanted to do, and go wherever I wanted to go. I had my 5 year plan, which turned into my 10 year plan. But I never saw that critical path. I never saw what could go wrong, I didn't plan for things to go wrong. So what happened this year. When things kept going wrong, I lost sight of that 5/10 year plan. In retrospect, losing sight of that plan was the best thing that could have happened to me. It reminded me to live in the moment and experience everything for what it was, not for what it could be.

   This year I will let go of timelines, and remember that everything happens in God's time. I will stop setting deadlines for myself. I will let my life happen organically. I will stop forcing things to happen, I will stop expecting them to be perfect, I will stop being disappointed when things don't go the way I planned. This year, I will live in the moment, this year, I will live.

There is probably so much more I could say. This year? It is MY year, it is YOUR year. Set your sights on what will truly make you happy, don't ignore the things that don't, and cut them out where necessary. Don't wait for things to fall apart, end them before they do. You are given this life to make it a reflection of you. Don't let ANYONE stand in your way.

Its silly to set expectations for yourself in the new year that are completely unobtainable. Be realistic, Be motivated. And if you're not, figure out why and 

LET IT GO

Anniversary for Opportunity

We look at anniversaries as a time to celebrate. A time to relive the joy of the anniversary we are celebrating whether it be with a job, a relationship, sobriety, a big move, or a significant change in our lives. We remember the challenges, the success', the failures, and the joy we experienced in the time. One thing that is never spoken about is when we reach the anniversary milestone of a terrible experience we had. The anniversary of the death of a loved one or a traumatic experience. It's inevitable, that at some point in our lives we will be faced with this anniversary. 

One to celebrate? Maybe not so much. 

One to reminisce upon? Definitely not. 

But it still gives us the opportunity to analyze our lives in a way that we may be so averse to doing in our daily lives as we continue to move forward. An anniversary to look at the change in ourselves, and in the world around us. It is an anniversary that allows us to continue to move on, but to never forget the circumstances which allowed us to do so. 

Today, I mark a timed removal of myself from an experience that traumatized me in more ways than one. I actively remember the fear, the disappointment, and the terror of such a situation. I don't celebrate the experience, but rather, I celebrate who I have become in spite of it. Today, although not a day of celebration for me, is a moment for me reflect on the ups and downs of a year spent in dramatic reformation, a year spent in desperate metamorphosis. 

I take a lot of pride in myself, and in the life I still continue to build for myself. I take pride in my carefree attitude about life, and in my innate ability to allow the aspects of the world to change me. Whether those aspects are purely circumstantial, or a drive for approval from those I hold close. A pride that was taken away from me when the decisions that I made forced me to realize that I had taken to the passenger seat of my own life for a very long time. I had allowed my desire for spontaneity, my desperate need for approval from all the wrong people, and my all too real hesitation for transformation to become the reality, as opposed to the exception.

As I prepared for my anniversary, I placed myself in that same mindset I worry that I will find comfort in it, rather than misery. I choose, for however short of a period, to allow the ignorance that allowed me to fall in the first place, to consume me while I allow my life, the life that I have built for myself now, to continue passing through me out of habit as opposed to progression. 

I write this now from a small place that I found within myself that allowed me to make the decision to not just exist, but to exist better, to become less of an enigma not only to myself but to those who have allowed for my transformation to take place. It's true, that when you first come out of a traumatic experience you go into survival mode. The only thing that you have the capacity to believe, and the energy to progress is to take the steps away from the situation, make better decisions, and hope for a level of recognition within yourself to become evident enough to latch onto so that someday you will thrive.

It took a lot for me to get to the state of existence I find myself in today. It took trust in God, trust in the people trying to help me, and trust in myself that I could move forward and out of my own personally created darkness. It took writing down, and visualizing what I had learned as to not regress. It took me accepting positive energy into my life, and ridding my life of the toxins that blocked my ability to operate at a high frequency. It took me owning my mistake, and making the choice to move forward.

And what has that brought me to? Well, not a state of perfection, I can tell you that much. There are still factors of uncertainty that rule my life. But I make the conscious effort everyday to find opportunity in that uncertainty rather than allowing it to paralyze me. I stabilize my energy by engaging with the world around me, rather than just observing it. I avoid toxic situations and relationships. I build on my affair with myself by committing to being a stronger, more fit, less worrisome version of myself. I fill my time with writing, exploring, interpreting, and creating positive circumstances.

We will never know the joy of perfection, perhaps a state of being that is uniquely perceived through our own eyes. Maybe we will only ever see it in various aspects of our life, but never in it's entirety. We accept that we only have the ability to be certain people at certain times in our lives, and we don't have to be everything at once. We realize the joy in braving everyday with unsteady hands, wobbly legs, and a lack of control. 

My anniversary is no more or less real than the one you may be experiencing, no more or less traumatic. But there is one thing that we all have in common. That, is opportunity. And if you have the courage to relish in everything that opportunity presents then you will move forward without aid. If you choose to exist in a transforming world taking a key role, then you will find that there is nothing you cannot overcome. 

Words

As a general rule of thumb, I have always believed words to be my most powerful asset. Of course, I believe that, I am a writer. I believe that I have the opportunity to impact lives, change minds, create perceptions, and take away loneliness all through words. What are words though? How do we define their relevancy in our own world? They are this abstract channel that influences so much, without really influencing anything at all, unless we allow them to. 

Unless we allow them to. 

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. Good friends reminding me that we all make mistakes, and the best thing we can do is learn from them. Who has heard that before? Pretty common breakup line, but this time I was thinking a little bit more about it. Think about the last big breakup you went through. Do you remember that debilitating madness that was a masked desire to break things, shout into a pillow, and drink a lot of wine? No, the point of this is not to make you think about your past relationships. But think about how tough we had it! Why did this happen to me? Why doesn't anything ever work out for me? We get so caught up in things happening to us, that we forget that things happen FOR us. How much more clearly could we see the benefit of what happened for us if we analyzed and accepted that we made the mistake, if nothing else, to make certain that we did not make that same mistake again. 

Some of the biggest mistakes we make (or at least us writers...and Taylor Swift) in relationships all has to do with words. Listening. No, not listening to our significant other bitch about work, that is going to happen regardless of whether they are a man or a woman. But rather listening to the sweet nothings we fantasize in our childhood love stories. The little words of love that seem to move early relationships forward, (before the pure enjoyment of silence sets in). 

Some of us put more weight in those words than others. Maybe you call those people naive, but I think most of us are just looking to paint a picture of our ideal love.  What have I learned though? Words are just the outlining of that picture perfect life. They are the small scratches of boundaries that make us feel confident and comfortable in a relationship, but they don't fulfill us in 

the long run. 

I don't know that there are many people out there who have the ability to add color to our sketches. Maybe the right ones, which clearly (illustrated by the subtle bitterness complex I put out into the blog-sphere) I haven't found. 

Basically, at the end of the day words are just words. You can't touch them, they reach your soul but they do not add color to your life. You cannot feel words, they won't keep you warm in the dead of night, and they can't pick you up when your car breaks down. Words are the fluff, they are like eating candy for every meal, they are literately delicious, they give you a momentary feeling of euphoria just before the sugar pulls you into a coma. 

Writers give words so much credit, and in a lot of ways, they are pretty amazing. But they are nothing without the emotion behind them. And in the real world, they are nothing without the actions to speak alongside them. Words are not meant to sustain us. That is what I have learned. I am not bitter about the things in my life that have ended and I don't resent words for the pain they have brought me, but I do recognize that they are only one part of a much bigger picture.

Words are a writers most powerful asset, but they are also their most threatening downfall.

Man of the House

Okay, so yes it is Father's Day, so perhaps this is a repetitive post. We see all over Facebook and Instagram, the channels that share our world with others, moments in our friends lives captured still by a frame and shared to thank their Fathers for everything they have done for them. I know many an amazing father's in my life, some older, some younger, some single, some married, some concrete, some abstract, and some of the most spiritual nature. We see these pictures, and in our own way, we know the amount of love that builds that frame.

I am so happy I got to see my father and grandfather today. The older I get the more I cherish theses moments I have, regardless of length, with the people that make up my heart. I truly believe that a man makes the family, and as I look back on my life, I realize how important this really is.

The man of the house is not just a figure, but a role model, he is not just a provider, but a retriever. The man of the house is an enigma of selflessness, of sacrifice, and of love that is unlike anything else. A Fathers love, so different from a Mothers love but equally as potent. I am lucky, extraordinarily, for the father I grew up with, the father's that make up my life.

We start at the very beginning with two of the most intelligent, strong willed, gracious, faithful men I know. My grandfathers. These are the men that built the legacy that is our family. They are the men that brought me to my cousins every Christmas, every Easter, and every chance we could. My paternal grandfather, who planned, every year since I can remember, a summer family vacation. With cousins that lived so far away, these are some of the most amazing memories of my life. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that I would not be who I am today without him. He gave me some of my best friends, found in my cousins. People that piece my heart together, people that support me, and people that I can't imagine my life without. My maternal grandfather, may he rest in peace, built this incredible legacy in his children who adore the person he raised them to be. He made sure that everyone was always laughing and that everyone was always well fed, not only with food, but with knowledge and history. He sustained on knowledge and loved sharing it with us.

It is such an easy act to see, the mirror that my grandfather holds to my own dad. As if he raised him in his image. I see my father and his willingness to sacrifice without hesitation, and without complaint. His strong providing nature, who knows I can take care of myself, but doesn't want me to always have to. I see a man I work to become more like everyday. Who strives for greatness in everything he does, and who stands up for what he believes in. I see a man who has not only built a family, but sustained it, held it in good times and in bad, who has pushed us to our potential, and helped us realize our worth. A man who is truly selfless, has given me everything, and I don't mean materialistically, I mean spiritually, intellectually, and mentally. He has given me what I needed to be the best version of myself, and when I was the worst version of myself, still loved me anyway.

We all have our own stories, triumphs and success' to failures and misunderstandings. We see our lives differently than anyone else, which allows us to see the people in our lives differently than anyone else. For me, my family, my cousins, my best friends? They make up my heart, they are each a puzzle in the madness I am certain is the ingredients that make me, me. My father, playing this integral role in every way has not only been a piece of my heart, but has held my heart.

There is a reason why they say the greatest love story is that between a daughter and her father. It is because he is the person who holds your heart when you are making mistakes, he is the one that teaches you about true love, in combination with our mothers, he is the one that proves that marriages and true love withstands the seemingly impossible. My father is the reason I will someday marry a great man, and the reason I will not settle for less. He is the reason my heart exists, and the reason I can continue to give it to people.

We will all make our mistakes, but each day we are given the gift of perspective. We are given the gift of retrospection. We are given the ability to look through our life, the people within it, and the people who have left it and see the impact of each. Who are the greatest men in your life? How have they made you into the person you are today?

The men of our houses are strong, they are resilient, they are more than a phrase or an idea. They are everything we need without needing anything at all in return.

25 Things I learned in my first 25 years

On the eve of the last night of the first quarter of my life I feel like it should be more extravagant. I feel like there should be this fire inside of me to reflect on what it means to be getting ready to enter the next quarter century of my life. But the fact of the matter is, there is nothing special about it, tomorrow will still be another day, the sun will rise (maybe the clouds will part to show us it), and I will still be me. 

The main difference? How incredibly happy I am. 

Not that the first quarter century of my life has been bad by any means, but lessons learned have shown me that influence took a lot out of me, and that the next 25 years are going to be even better. No quarter life crisis here, except for the ongoing one we battle everyday as humans. Just lessons that I carry with me, and that I will share with you.

These lessons, just words on a piece of paper, give meaning to wisdom and progress our character.

Lesson 1) You want to eat that piece of pizza? Go for it! You want to have that piece of cake? Eat it already! Life is too short to have salad for every meal. Let your sweet tooth savor in the finer things in life, but take care of your body. It is the only one you are given, and at the end of the day, it won't matter how much success you have if your body cannot keep up with it.

Lesson 2) When your mom calls, pick up the phone. Better yet, call your mom, EVERYDAY. You may think she nags you a lot, and tells you things you already know. and all of that may be true. Here's a secret, no matter whether you are an only child or the youngest of 7 children, your mom winged it with you! She did things the best way she knew how, and you wouldn't be who you are without her. Forgive her for not reading your mind.

Lesson 3) When opportunity comes knocking, answer. There is nothing worse than wondering "what if".  Do not open yourself up to the possibility of regret, and even if you do, don't regret a thing in your life, your choices make you, no matter how good or bad they are. Do yourself a favor and immerse your character in the opportunities presented to you, no matter how scary they may seem at first glance, you may surprise yourself.

Lesson 4) When it comes to your schoolwork, or your career, work your ASS off. Study for tests, turn in your homework completed, finish projects on time, and be teachable. No matter what. If that means that you study at the bar on quarter beer night, or you stay up all night and fall asleep on your pizza box before running to class with pizza sauce still on your face, do it. Education is the greatest gift, and a good career is nonexchangeable.

Lesson 5)  Travel. Seriously!! Whenever possible, travel. It is so easy to get comfortable in our lives, superficially happy, but in reality it is easy to slip into just going through the motions. Expand your mind and understand people outside your community. There is no greater teacher than culture itself.

Lesson 6)  Sing. Loudly. In the shower, in the car, in your room. Even if you sing badly, sing your heart out. Music is based in perception. Give yourself the opportunity to stand out. Your showerhead won't judge you, and we all know the guy in the car next to us with a "you're crazy" look on his face, has done the same. exact. thing.

Lesson 7) Don't be embarrassed to be quirky. We are all weird. In one way or another, each one of us does something weird on a daily basis. Embrace your quirk, define yourself by your weirdness, and let everyone know that you find comfort in being eccentric, because normal is just boring.

Lesson 8)  Even if he says he loves you, it doesn't mean that he does. It just means he knows what to say. Words are meaningless if they are not accompanied by the right behaviors, and the right actions. Don't let yourself be fooled by manipulation, and cut it off before you fall. There is nothing harder than climbing out of a hole you have dug yourself. (except for maybe an hour on the arc trainer at the gym)

Lesson 9) Be a total cliche sometimes. "Dance as if no one is watching" "Love teen dramas" because you are a 20 something girl and you can. No one has the right to judge a cliche when they alone, in some way, are a statistic as well. Which brings me to my next one,

Lesson 10) You are a statistic. Just get over it already! At any given point in our lives, we all have a number attached to us. A percentage of how we make up the world. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it. Let it ride, and embrace the small piece of this world that you make up.

Lesson 11) Learn to have faith. No one got very far in this world without realizing that there is, at least, some power pushing us forward. The laws of physics, scientifically, will not allow it. For me? It was realizing a divine power, for you, it may be purely scientific. But, from what I learned, is that there are God moments. Everyday there is a way that God shows us that we are not alone, and that we do not have control over everything and we just have to deal with it, and find peace in it rather than fight it

Lesson 12) Date. Date lots of men/women. I don't mean SLEEP with a lot of men/women. But date, a lot. There are millions of people in this world, before you settle down, learn what you like in a mate, what you don't, and whatever you do...do not IGNORE red flags, those little bastards will get you every time.

Lesson 13) Accept support from the people that love you. Your family, friends, significant other, whomever they might be in your life. They are all you have to keep your world from falling apart sometimes. Don't push them away, but rather, keep them close. You may be your own worst enemy sometimes, and they might be the only thing that can save you from yourself.

Lesson 14)  Clean your room/dorm/apartment. The more organized your life is, the better you will feel about things if they get out of control. However, do not, I repeat, do not, be afraid to make a mess sometimes. A mess shows that life continues to impact spaces and rooms and nooks, not just people.

Lesson 15) Explore. Music, Food, Hobbies. How would you even know what you like/don't like if you have never experienced it all? Comfort does us a great disservice when it keeps us from aspects of life that we might enjoy were we to give ourselves the chance to try it.

Lesson 16) Believe in the power of optimism. Negativity will kill you. No, of course not physically (unless you own a light saber and/or know the dark lord). What you put out into the universe, is what you will get back.

Lesson 17) Help others, seek out the less fortunate. Especially when you feel extra bad that you didn't get an A on your last test, or hit goal at work last month. Every single person in this world has more than another in some way shape or form. Use the gifts you have been given no matter how big, or how small, to make a difference. The joy you will see transpire is irreplaceable.

Lesson 18) Spend money on memories, not on objects. Worldly artifacts depreciate. They become rusty with age, and unusable to a certain extent (except for wine, that always gets better with age). Memories are permanently engraved, ripened by experience, and understood with time as opposed to depreciated.

Lesson 19) Get drunk. Or at least go out and pretend you are. I am sure there will be backlash on this one. But I am serious. The best stories come from a night when you go out and you just do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it. Just don't get arrested.

Lesson 20) Drink really good wine. Learn the extent to which your tastebuds can reach. And in the meantime, you can let that pinky flip up with your fanciness.

Lesson 21) Treat yourself. Play hookie, go MIA, get a massage, a facial, a pedicure (yes, even you men out there). Mental health days are imperative to productivity. This is not a scientific fact, but I am pretty sure it is accurate

Lesson 22) Cry. Ain't nothing wrong with a few tears. Feeling overwhelmed? Frustrated? Like the world is against you? There is nothing better than having a good old cry. But when you are done, and there is no more water in your head, drink a bottle of water to rehydrate, wash the tears, and remember that you are amazing, and can take on anything.

Lesson 23) Laugh. Especially at yourself. Because you are funny (looking). No I am kidding, you actually do have a sense of humor, I don't care how serious you come across. You fell up the stairs? Ha, that's life. Oh, and don't worry about that snort at the end of your laugh, no one noticed.

Lesson 24) Love. Everything. Forgive those that made you forget to love them. And love them anyways. Look for the best in people, but don't forget about the worst. Love your life because you don't get another one. If you cannot fall completely in love with your life, how can you fall in love and complete someone else?

Lesson 25) Make mistakes. Your years are nothing without failures, your success is nothing without a few mistakes. Don't be afraid of imperfection. Imperfection is the key ingredient to beauty, defined by our uniqueness. Our individuality defines our outlook on the world, our outlook on ourselves, and the way we deal with our mistakes. Our mistakes do not define us, but they push us, everyday, to be better.

I wish I could say these lessons were easy to learn, but that would be a lie. I have always had to learn things the hard way. But I wouldn't trade a single day in for another. And whether you learn these lessons now, or it takes you a few years, don't believe for a second that anything was not meant to happen...

At the end of the day the biggest risk you take, is not taking risks at all. 

A Beautiful Symphony

Music is the gateway into our past, it is the element of our present, and it is the promise of our future.

I have come to know something I don't know that I have had in a long time. A fraction of my life that I completely looked past, a note within a symphony so overpowered it was lost in the orchestra of different tunes. It is a beautiful symphony though, this symphony of my life. Who knew that one note could change the entire arrangement, the entire sound, the entire impact.

Much like a band of instruments, a song strings together notes. Notes, or brief pitches of noise, some heightened, some deep, some lengthened, and some just around long enough to say they were there for the show. Our songbook is drawn from a string of realities which we create within our own minds. Chapters where our songs sing of happiness, some where they sing of sorrow, some where they are just enough sound to give life to a blank page.

My symphony has formed a good book, its like reading without seeing. It's a replica of my trials, my success' and my small moments of clarity. Heard only by my ears, the music plays over and over, page by page I recognize the instruments, the individuality of every beating drum, of every piano key stroke, of every violin glide, of every breath in and out of the flutes and trumpets that are blaring reminiscence of pride. 

Every once in a while my ears catch it though, That faint clap, that beautiful climax, the sound I long to hear in every page, so silent in the past, but so overpowering now. Its the sound of hope. The thing about this unique sound, is that it can be in the form of whatever instrument you choose. It can be heard by as many ears as you wish, it can be subtle in the background, or it can be the main event. 

The point is, we are the conductors of our own orchestra. Gliding our hands with the changing times, the transition of seasons, the reminders, and the memories. And with the flick of our wrist, we have the power to change it all. The voice that each sound carries louder than the time before, that hope the loudest of them all.

Hope once heard from our basement corners, now fill the halls of our own personal Carnegie, A sound so familiar and so comforting, the world wonders why we kept it hidden for so long.
We replay the noise in our head.

These strokes, which create noise, placed in sequence as notes, as moments on parchment of music teach us how to love. They teach us how to keep memories alive. They teach us how to hope.

But, perhaps most of all, they teach us that we can never learn if we don't listen.

A Woman on the Verge

A year in review. What does that mean to you? Do you look at simple experiences or do you integrate emotion into those experiences? Do you feel the intricacies of how every significant situation made you feel, what you learned from it, what hurt you, what became a blessing from the hurt?

Some years I go into this time of reflection with fear. Truly. Fear for what I have experienced, and not wanting to relive those experiences. Afraid that I wont know what I learned from them, or worse, that I hadn't learned anything. You get over that fear though. A walk down memory lane becomes less dark, but rather a path lit with realities you created along the way.

In years past  I see that there have been struggles along the way, and the path lit was straight and narrow. Taking all the right steps, making all the right turns, where bumps flattened out, where trees fallen had been lifted. Its a path fulfilled, its a path clean, its a path fresh and ready to transition me into a new year.

This year it's different. This year has been the hardest year of my life. Not only in experiences, but in true self discovery. Watching old family home videos the other night made me realize how quiet of a person I am. Maybe not always in the way it seems, but I catch myself in my own head. My words are the most powerful thing I have, Scribbled, and strung along lines of paper, waiting for someone to come along and understand them. I use this as a motto for my life, a channel for my creativity, and a token of my hope for every uncertainty my life holds.

I learned not only what it meant to hold onto someone, but I learned what it meant to let go. I learned that those we want to hold onto the most, are the hardest to keep a strong grasp on, they are the ones we fight the hardest for, at whatever expense {physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually}. I learned that holding on only brings tears. It's an inevitable abandonment. It's your worst fears come true, it's everything you wish so hard you could push away, without the strength to do it. I still don't know where that very thin line is. The one where you lose strength in holding on, where your emotions cause that vigor in which you retain a grasp to be translated into weakness, and where the right kind of strength takes over. But it happens, undeniably. Sometimes it takes days, other times, months, and in my case, years. Being caught up in your own head is a channel for flaws to arise, and instability to result. A clear mind, and a heavy heart cause that burden to finally lift, and you can let go. Sometimes I still wish I knew exactly how it happened. I wish I could diagram the process, but the inconsistency of the mixture is a disheartening recipe.

This year, I learned what it meant to love, but not be in love. I also learned what it meant to be truly angry. Anger so intense that it clouded everything, it stopped my feet, it sank me like quicksand. The only anger that has ever caused me to wonder if I could ever forgive. An anger that broke me, for however short a time, that fueled me in all the wrong ways.

And these are just the small lights along the way, the flickers on my path leading to catastrophe, to complete darkness, blackness that sank me into its depths and in its refusal pushed me to fight the hardest I have ever fought for anything.

The most important lesson I learned this year, has to do with what it means to exist in a world I don't control . I found success this year, a success that I have wished for so long I could experience. A life of mediocrity evaporated into my life where invincibility was a norm, and where the light that led my way was bright, far from a cry of perfection, but I didn't realize that brightness was blinding me.

Its like a train you ride for a while, vision clear, but the speed you take blurs the imperfections in the world around you. Your vision, so unfailing during that time doesn't see that, it sees the colors that come together. But that train never stays above ground for long, and at the blink of an eye you enter a tunnel. Dark and cold, your vision is no longer your own but put into someone else's hands.

You lose control.

This is the year that I found my faith. In the midst of threatening circumstances, in the midst of fear so blinding it takes your sight and extinguishes it, in the midst of a locked door with no key you find a way to move through it. God is the only way. He is the way I have moved mountains of fear this year, he is the only way I have taken back the right kind of control, and let him light my way.

Lessons within lessons within lessons.

Family and Friends are the glue that hold me together, the strength when I am weak and the light when everything around me goes dark. They are the support I need when my knees give out, they are the channel of understanding that keeps me sane, they are the truth in a world of lies.

I have learned a lot in the last year, but as I look back, I don't see that clear and finely lit path, but rather a collection of obstacles moved barely inches for me to pass. A messy stream of realizations that, rather than a light on the path my realizations form a star pattern in the sky which leads me to here. It's never going to be easy, a single blink can be the difference between light and dark.

I am a woman on the verge of something great. Something life changing, and yet uncertainty is the only thing that is certain. I live my life faithfully and without burden, but with a beautiful blindness that proves one lesson to remain true:

I would rather follow a collection of stars leading me  through a messy and beaten path, than to hold onto darkness.