Everyone is in your life for a reason. That is what they say, right? It's an interesting concept.
We are on this constant journey to understand ourselves. To think outside the box. To understand the choices we make, to understand the things that have happened to us, and to understand why God put that one person in our life that made us forget who we were.
I am not saying I have it all figured out, I certainly do not. Hell, I don't know if I even have it partially figured out. I have bad days, just like everyone. I have days where the pressure becomes too much and I break into a pool of frustrated tears. But I also have good days. I have days where the weight of the world seems to give me some relief. Often times, in that relief I find revelation and understanding. It is important to me to take note of the realizations I make, so as to not forget that I am moving.
What is more interesting to me than the concept that everyone is in our lives for a reason is the fact that one person, as insignificant as they may seem to the outside world, could be the one person that makes you fall apart and come back together all at the same point simply by coming into your life at the right time. And, how that person can do all of this for you, but still not be the one. Confused yet? Let me explain.
The last two years have been hard. And towards the end of last year, months of sedated understandings came to a head and (pardon my french) shit hit the fan. Shit hit the fan so hard that I didn't know if I would ever be able to trust myself ever again, much less trust anyone else. So coming into this year, I had a plan. This year, is MY year.
Well as if "like clockwork" wasn't already my motto, someone came into my life that just had to have my attention, and although I resisted, I eventually gave in, and for as messy as it got, and for as terrible as it was, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. This person will probably never read this, but if they do, I hope they know that they don't deserve me, not because I am better than them now, but because I want to be a better person for the future. I hope they know that they did impact me, and it might have been in the most significant way possible. I hope they know that they did disappoint me, that they could have been so much more, but they should also be disappointed that they couldn't be that.
This is not a perfect formula. But, I do think it is about timing. And I don't think this person was ever meant to be in my life for long. I think they were here for a moment. They were meant to be a tool for me to learn by, not a tool for me to live by. I don't want it to seem like I am heartbroken, I certainly am not. But I think it is important to note that I wouldn't be who I am now without this person, and the insensitivity he always seemed to approach me with.
That's right, I am not who I am because he treated me well. If anything he forced me to look at who I was, and create a progressive identity crisis for myself.
*He told me I didn't know who I was, and in that, I realized I did. I realized I wasn't the person I was trying to convince the world I was. I was much different.
*He treated me like I didn't mean a thing, and in that, I realized I meant a whole hell of a lot.
I began focusing on fitness and nutrition, and I have seen things in a brand new light. My head is clearer than its ever been. I would have never re-prioritized had it not been for him. My clear head has me in this weird fog of clarity, an irony in itself.
What parts of the person that I have been telling the world I am, still apply?
Which parts of me have I suppressed out of fear?
What parts have I hidden as a result of pain?
I am swimming in constant questioning about my true identity, and how to be that person again. But, in a lot of ways, despite this identity crisis, my life makes sense again.
I want to be fixed, doesn't everyone? I have come to terms with disappointment. I have let it sit on my couch, as opposed to being snug into my head. I have questioned it, I have befriended it, and I have belittled it. It is so easy to let disappointment take over, and to lower your expectations of yourself, your life, and the people around you. And maybe to some degree that is necessary, but there is a fine line between lowering your expectations and lowering your standards.
So, here is the point. Everyone is in your life for a reason. And, if they don't stay in your life, the reason is a matter of reflection. Be disappointed, adjust your expectations. Be upset, but don't lower your standards.
But clarity comes in waves. It's supposedly what keeps life interesting. Right now, I find comfort in my journey both physically and mentally. Remembering that my demons will never be stronger than my will to overcome them.
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